The One with the Writer's Block and Biological Clocks

When I get home from a long day, the only thing I can think of is to rest and watch some TV. I rarely visit my blog now and provide my insights to the world. I can't imagine not being able to rest my head against a few of my fluffy pillows while I get one and hugs it to pieces!

Not the actual pillows I have on my bed but fluffy enough for me to dream about them. 

I would like to believe that this is because I have been pouring my heart out at work and because the stress overwhelms me. I don't think it's true though. I like my job - it's light, non-overwhelming, unemotional and somewhat rewarding. I do a lot of deskwork though, which means using words all the time and lately, I've been experiencing what people would call a writers' block.

Oh don't get me wrong, it's not like I've ran out of words in my head, it's just that I have ran out of the drive to place it in an HTML pad and place pretty pictures I downloaded off Stock Xchng. I even find myself not returning some emails from friends, which I am deeply, truly sorry about. I usually email one liners, like "I got it", or "Sure". I've lost the "You can do it, I believe in you" chutzpah I seem to exude so people SMS/Email/Private Message me every so often.

Yeah, even my BDJ hasn't been updated much. 

I could run through 10,000 things at once at one time in my life. The other day, my immediate manager sat me down and asked me about my WINs (Wants, Interests, Needs). It was probably the most difficult thing he ever did. I am guessing he has never come across anyone that doesn't really want anything. I feel burned out but I don't have a reason to be burned out. I like my job and if I can continue simply doing my job, without anyone bothering me, I would be pretty happy. Somewhat though, a part of me is craving something and I don't even know what it is. It could be activity, excitement, some weird form of drug maybe, I don't know, but I know for a fact that it contributes to me lessening my online presence and my thought process.

I have always liked activity with people I care about. Lately, I have been somewhat closer to moms - my friends Aileen and Cym, both of which are amazing and wonderful mothers. They believe in different things and yet, their kids turn out pretty okay. I feel my body doing weird, crazy things. I know for a fact that I will never be pregnant. Well, not now when I'm very single and I really don't have any intentions of sleeping around. There's something in me that wants a child. Half of me wants it, half of me doesn't. I feel like at this point, I have a lot of maternal energy and I don't know who to give it to. I know that sounds weird and probably crazy to a lot of people, but feelings, hormones, demons, they're all inside, pushing me to be a mom.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna be this hot when I become preggers, but we never know, right?

If men are allowed to have quarter-life and mid-life crises where they bang every girl they see and buy a Lexus, then I'm pretty sure, this is somewhat the female equivalent. A woman kind of needs a child - that's supposedly the essence of being a woman - to carry a  child to term and give life. I know no one sees me as that - I've been too acrid, sarcastic and even a terror to work with. Maybe, even to have a relationship with. But this time, I'm just desperately needing a child and it affects me as whole. Maybe even my supposed writer's block.

Whatever this is, it's something I feel. I'm glad I'm not experiencing any physical manifestations of it (I'm not experiencing pseudocyesis). Maybe a little bit of me has given up on finding love and finding that one amaizng family which I will someday belong to. One thing I know is that I feel like I'm losing time.

Not gonna happen, which sucks. 

And losing opportunities.

Rationally speaking of course, I am severely sure that it's an Anthropological aching for a child. Women, back in the Cave Men era, were homemakers, they were the ones taking care of the young. And this is evidenced in most biological ecosystems. I know women don't need an alpha-male to mate, they just need a mate. In a Physiological sense, I am kind of sick, the hormones can and will affect the way I see my life. In a Psychological sense, maybe I am just crazy.

Ultimately, if your clock starts ticking, will your block keep hindering?

All photographs were taken legally from Stock Xchng. 

The One with my Godson

Have you been a really, really good godparent? It's common in the Philippines to ask classmates, friends and even colleagues to become a godparent. You should never refuse if you get asked, lest you be cursed by the ancient ancestors of the land. Because I don't claim citizenship of the world, and I always proudly state that I am born and bred Filipino, I will always abide by its laws, written or otherwise.

But being a godmom to Xander is a joy. Last Saturday, I really wanted to spend time with Aileen, Yogi and Xander.

Had lunch at Mango Bistro in Trinoma. 

Had Pad Thai - amazing fusion of flavors! 

Had some chicken stir fried and wrapped in banana leaves. It had a sweet and spicy sauce. 

It was a fun day of catching up, venting about things we shouldn't vent about but we do still, sharing of experiences, realizations and even the weirdest things that happen to us. It was like old times, when we would hang out after work and make Starbucks a more powerful conglomerate by purchasing an Americano, an Apple Berry Juice Freeze and an Iced Latte with side orders of cheesecakes, breakfast muffins, ciabatta veggie sandwiches and some fish in foccacia.

The main event was when we got to Aileen's house. Seeing Xander lying down is just a joy.

So cute even when he's crying! 

So adorable. Xander looking at Uncle Aldrin. 

That's got to be one of the cutest, hottest and most amazing-looking boy on earth! High five, Aileen and Arnel! 

I got to hold him for some time. I lasted all of 5 minutes cos he started crying. I'm still scared when I hear something weird, like a whimper, a wheeze, a burp... I am not ready to be a mother.

But nothing is more beautiful than seeing a mother hold her child.

All pictures are taken with a simple Sony Cybershot. I'm a point and shoot gal until I can afford a DSLR. 
No babies were harmed during the making of this post, except my probable ones thanks to coffee and nicotine. 

The One with the Baby

Last Saturday, I was able to see my long-time (as in long-time, like since Nursery, man!) friend. Cym. She's is married with 2 kids, the eldest Ela being my godchild.

I have always loved kids. I even taught in an Episcopalian church during weekends about a decade ago so I can curb my need to be around children (that just made me sound like a total perv) but there's this "maternal yearning" to be around children. I find them cute, adorable, lovable... and yes, even the screaming ones.

Caleb smiling... 

Cym helping Ela with her homework. 

Who won't love that smile? 

Around 4 years ago, I was diagnosed with a condition called PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). It's not life-threatening. I just remember that I was told five things:

1. Good luck having babies but they can help me out when I'm ready. I was given pamphlets and brochures on assisted fertilization.
2. I was told to expect weight gain (As if I wasn't fat enough at that time). I remember being told that no matter what I do, I will gain weight. So, there's no use fighting it. Just love the skin you're in.
3. I was told to cut back on the sugar (no more sugary treats from Starbucks or Coffee Bean).
4. I had to take a plethora of medications. Some of which aggravated headaches, made me nauseated every darned time, let me retain so much water that I felt bloated every day and some even caused me a lot of mood swings!
5. I had to undergo an invasive diagnostic test every 6 months to check how well the medication was doing.

Remember that 4 years ago, not much was known about this disease. Doctors would pretty much ascribe what I had to something related to the pituitary gland, obesity, diabetes or anything to that effect. So religiously, I would go to the doctor, undergo the invasive diagnostic test and lie as quietly (without shaking so badly) as I can while they check my internal organs for more damage.

Last December 28th, I visited my doctor once more.

I got a clean bill of health - well, not really free and clear, because I was a very good patient, a good number of unruptured follicles have gone. There's only 3 left on both ovaries, unlike when they started testing for my follicles and I had about 20 for each ovary (yes kids, there are two ovaries, the left and the right...).  This meant that I can now have kids, I can finally try to lose weight and there might be some results and more importantly, they have weaned me off a lot of the medications that caused nausea, mood swings and severe bloating (yay for skinny jeans!).

During the diagnostic procedure, my doctor told me in her old rich Filipino accent, "Finally, after years of treating you, you can now have babies... eh paano yan, single ka na... <read: Too bad you're single now> Well you know, you can get sperm donors now. I can tell my other doctor friends noh.".

Ah such is irony.

For now, I'll live vicariously through my friends.