The One with the Online Dating Game

A friend asked me the other day what I want the man I will end up with to have. I looked at him and realized that I had no real answer. My entire team (God bless their hearts) have been hard-up in finding me a man to be with. For whatever reason, I don't quite know yet, but I'm thinking that they think I need to be "happy" and finding the love of my life will ease me into a more relaxed state of mind. 

Because nobody wants to work with a b*tch, perhaps? 

Apart from the fact that I have learned almost nothing about dating in the past hiatus I have given myself, because of schoolwork, office work and some other work I have been doing (Ahahaha! This mainly means sleeping and getting a fatter a$$!), I have learned that waiting is almost inevitable in my life. 

There are days of absolute horror and I will be honest about it. There are days when you know for certain that there is no one out there - no one can ever make you feel good about yourself and you become resigned to the current status quo - that love is dead and there is only you to fend for your own sanity in this cruel, malicious and vile world. Then there are days when you try. 

In fact, I tried. I joined a dating site. 

Queue romantic music here... 

(Total shameless disclaimer: I consider everyone a candidate, much like I'm the boss and you're applying for a job. And yes, I know I don't really have the right to judge people based solely on my own personal yardsticks but I presume you know I'm single, and looking for the right guy, so for a lack of a better, polictically-correct term, I will heretofore, call them candidates. And if you don't like it, you can go check out other feel-good single-girl, non-sarcastic blog posts...) 

Candidate Number 1: The Grammarian

Just for purposes of a visual representation. He's totally not this guy, but well, he didn't look like this guy either. 

Let's call him Emmett, because the name sounds so "safe" and almost noble, like a teacher. I met Emmett online and we were an instant hit. I loved the way he intelligently formed words and sent them to me with almost minimal effort. The dating site had a chat function so we were chatting immediately. We then moved on to emailing, then to SMS, then Facebook, then more and more and more SMS. What was so amazing about it was that I didn't hide anything. It's not like I can hide ALL my pictures on Facebook... and he mentioned how cute I was (despite the pictures of my heavy-set frame crowding an entire picture...) Everyday was so amazingly happy with Emmett, because he was just a joy to talk with. If I can print a transcript of our conversations, it was fluid, happy, light and for some reason, even in the advent of SMS language, we both made sure that our messages to and from were of impeccable grammar. I even joked about it... I said that impeccable grammar turns me on (cos Lord knows mine isn't, let not my previous employers in the English school find this out). Everything about Emmett was perfect - perfect on paper, perfect in messages, he had this aura about him that I found to be so noble and sweet. He was after all, a teacher (for purposes of this blog, no one will know what he really is). Until one day, the messages stopped. No more emails, chats, his Facebook account is still open and we're still friends, but his timeline seemed to have more "chicks" than well, the other kind. I sleuth around some more and realized that his Facebook account is a collection of all these beautiful women. Some younger than me, some older, some of the same age, some of the sexy type, others looking slightly average, others looking just like me. I messaged him one last time (cos you know, I don't really have an ounce of dignity left... and yes, yes, I thought we had a real connection) and nada. 

I want to say I was depressed and life stopped. Of course, it didn't. I realized Emmett had a connection with all these women. Emmett is the serial adder on Facebook who messages you, makes you feel great about yourself and then targets the next hottie he fixates on, and that's fine. That's his thing and no one really has the right to say whether it's right or wrong. It's just that the last message we exchanged was about him and how he had problems as a child and he's overcome it. Imagine knowing that much about a person yet he doesn't seem to want to know any more about you or share more about himself. Now I know for a fact that some people may have a connection with you but may not necessarily find it to be enough to formally date you. 

It took 2 weeks for me to finally decide to close this one out. I was not really shocked, it's just that normally, guys who are shallow leave you for your looks, guys who are deeper leave you because they think you're shallow, now how am I going to classify this guy? Maybe my grammar wasn't impeccable? Did I say something wrong? Did I have that one picture on Facebook that he totally can't stand? Did I push too hard? Did I say too much? Did I say too little? I guess we'll never know. 

Candidate Number 2: The Sexy Foreigner 

He sort of looks like this guy. Only you know, bigger and stronger.  :) Enjoy ladies. Lolz. 

So around the time that Emmett "came to his senses", this guy was hanging around. Let's call him Mac, short for Machiavelli. A handsome and sensual man that has come to haunt my senses and made me feel NOT like a lady. Before you jump into any weird conclusions, he is a candidate, ergo, nothing happened. For some weird reason, any Prince Charming I meet online turns out to be a real mirage. 

Mac is a mixed-breed. His father is Middle Eastern, with a mix of Greek and a little of Filipino. He speaks languages too exotic to believe. He owns his own business. He has a kick-ass car. He has his own ways and means to woo anyone he meets. He met me online, and this is because I find him too irresistible, not because of a connection, I ended up giving him my number. The funny thing is when he added me on Facebook, he saw so many mutual friends. Guess what? Mac knows my friends and my friends know Mac. 

I feel like a cougar when I speak with him because he's only 28, but obviously way more accomplished than me. Even friends who know him say that he is quite the Prince. I obviously didn't want to let on that I am thinking of dating him. I just casually asked, and said I met him somewhere. So messages came EVERY DAY for almost 2 months. Not particularly sweet messages but very consistently, he would SMS or email or something... Just to make me feel his presence I guess. Keep in mind that I had a deeper, more meaningful connection with Emmett, and I didn't really mind just replying to Mac. He had a casual way about him. Cool. Calm. Very collected... Almost nonchalant. No drama. When Emmett stopped talking to me, I realized it was time to focus on Mac. 

Focusing on Mac meant one thing - be sexy. And when I say "be sexy", I don't mean be physically sexy. Keep in mind that on Facebook, there was nothing I hid. I wanted to know if the shallowness will kick in anytime soon, and yet Mac still hung on. So being sexy meant actually replying to some of the sexy things he would tell me on SMS or email. Did I mean everything I said, uhm, maybe? But I was more curious about what he was thinking of rather than what he was saying. 

For two straight months, we were sort of into each other. There are days when he would say that he needs me and there are days when I would say I need him. Then there are days when we are both quiet because work got in the way, or for me, schoolwork too. But never was there a day that messages didn't come - sometimes, it's a "good morning" or a "had lunch" SMS, but messages came. There are times when schedule didn't allow for us to see each other because he travels a lot and there are days when we were just simply lucky. 

So before Valentines' Day, we had a lucky streak. He had some time off for lunch and my schedule allowed for us to actually have lunch - not just a smoke break or a quick line up at Starbucks and get some coffee break. He talked about his ex and how he was really hurt when she left. He talked about his work. He talked about the stress and how he's sorry that he wasn't able to spend more time with me. Then the "talk" came. Unluckily, not from me. It was an invitation for a weekend together - which technically is a night together, I realized. It honestly felt very awkward. Don't get me wrong, it felt amazing but it felt awkward. Maybe in my mind, I was still looking for the connection - the spark, the fireworks, everything... At the back of my mind, I was mentally computing times and dates, like what's to happen if he's overseas and I'm here, alone and I need to talk to him? What happens when we want to get serious? Should we tell our friends? Are we open to telling people about us? What about the age difference? I'm older and surely that's something his parents would say something about it, or worse, his friends. Are we now exclusively dating? Am I now a girlfriend? What's going on? And so I asked, as casually and as composed as I should be... "What happens after we spend that time together?" to which he replied "We'll see...". 

I'm sure he read what's on my mind. I looked awkward. I looked scared. And when he was delivering that line, he also looked awkward and scared, maybe a little bit more than I was. 

I'm not going to bore you with the next few days and what had transpired next. The main point is, sometimes, people aren't ready. I found a consistent, handsome and wonderful Prince that wasn't quite ready to move on yet. Scary part is, I realized I wasn't ready too. All the talking and the messaging and the meet-ups and the "I'm into you" moments were born of sheer fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life. 

Maybe, just maybe, the online dating game isn't for me.


All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng, my leading provider of stock photos.

The One with the 20-20 Retrospective Vision

Wow, I stopped in August and I totally have myself to blame for this little oversight in my schedule.

After I turned 30, so much has happened. 

Funny picture of a lady stopped short near a car... I'm nowhere near this hot. 

1. I have just taken on so much more projects at work 

Never tried chewing a pen this way, but perhaps I should. 

2. I helped a few friends get a design job - yay for me! 

Totally could have picked more feminine shoes but what the hey... :) 

3. I have met someone... yes... met someone 

Not us, but could be us... :) 

4. I traveled 

Thailand, baby!

5. I signed up for my Masters degree. 

Guess what, ma! I need some tuition!

Yes, I am quite an overachiever. By far, it's been one weird show after another. My life can be considered one heck of a cool sitcom now. I have been enjoying the company of friends, been experiencing new things and totally digging the fact that I am learning so much about myself and my environment now. 

I could say that not updating my blog was not really a plus, however, of the very few, selected people that read this blog, there are so much more experiences that I wish I could actually write about and share with the world - not because it feels amazing but because I feel like people who are going through the same thing would have something to relate to. 

They always say that in retrospect, things are always in 20-20. So here's what I learned by far...

Clearer, baby! 

1. I wanted to be with someone so badly. 

Yes, after my last relationship ended, I wanted so badly to be with someone. It didn't matter who it was, it could have been some weird rebound relationship, it would have given me someone to love and someone to love me back and intimacy (read: not physical) was what I needed. I felt like my ex was never completely open and intimate with me (because of the lack of time spent and everything in between) and so I was constantly needing to validate myself through another man's eyes. 

It's hard to always be part of someone's schedule. 

2. I never enjoyed what I had. 

I have a loving and wonderful family. My friends - I couldn't ask for more. These people know me and would spew truth from mouths over a bitch brew. I had and have a great job. It's like life really equipped me for what I consider to be a great fall. It's like what my friend would always say, you never get it all. The theory is if you find a great job, your love life will be a total decimated mess. She's right. So, enjoy the mess, make mistakes, sleep around (this I haven't really followed yet) and find who you are. 

Ahh... haven't had a "glow" for a while. Lolz! 

3. I was always chasing one high after another and I never stopped to smell the roses well enough to enjoy the next chase.

I think it's pretty self-explanatory, when there's no one to push you to be "better", you push yourself to be better and yet, it never felt like something I would do cos I always chased after what is something people would be after - a better job, a faster and sexier life, a handsome man and a delicious car to boot (Jaguar). I don't even drive! :) So what's the lesson? Back to basics. Pray (if you believe in a God), love (be with family and friends) and live it up (sign up for a class and damned it, baby, there's no need to date around if you don't believe it). 

Everything is a hurdle cos you are so set on the finish line. Sometimes, it's cool to just walk around and ignore the people, places and things around you and just figure out what you want. 

4. I don't want to be anything other than me. 

Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone who told me that everything changes. Evolution is the essence of life. So when men want to sleep with you before they decide whether they like you or not, when men decide to leave you because they can't get everything they need from you, when bosses yell and scream at you because you can't perform the way they want you to, when school pushes you to be a half-beaten zombie at the end of the day because you friggin' asked for it, b*tch, and when friends don't spend time with you because they're married, with children or in a relationship, you have to go with it. It just dawned on me after the conversation that I don't want to sleep with men to figure out if I like them, I refuse to believe that love is dead and can't compromise, I will do my homework when I can and I'm awake and to hell with what everyone thinks in a coffee shop cos I'm alone and drowning in paper and books, I am not going to sit down and be yelled at by my boss cos he/she is simply having a bad day and I will do my best to spend time with friends, even if it means babysitting or enduring a long, winded conversation about motorcycles with their respective boyfriends or the latest Prada collection with their girlfriends, no matter how much you want to shoot yourself after. I am me. I don't have anyone else to love me and to change me just because circumstances tell me to. 

All in, baby! 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to read through some of my school stuff. :)

All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng, my leading provider of stock photos.
Thailand pictures taken with an Nokia N8 phone camera. 

The One with the Writer's Block and Biological Clocks

When I get home from a long day, the only thing I can think of is to rest and watch some TV. I rarely visit my blog now and provide my insights to the world. I can't imagine not being able to rest my head against a few of my fluffy pillows while I get one and hugs it to pieces!

Not the actual pillows I have on my bed but fluffy enough for me to dream about them. 

I would like to believe that this is because I have been pouring my heart out at work and because the stress overwhelms me. I don't think it's true though. I like my job - it's light, non-overwhelming, unemotional and somewhat rewarding. I do a lot of deskwork though, which means using words all the time and lately, I've been experiencing what people would call a writers' block.

Oh don't get me wrong, it's not like I've ran out of words in my head, it's just that I have ran out of the drive to place it in an HTML pad and place pretty pictures I downloaded off Stock Xchng. I even find myself not returning some emails from friends, which I am deeply, truly sorry about. I usually email one liners, like "I got it", or "Sure". I've lost the "You can do it, I believe in you" chutzpah I seem to exude so people SMS/Email/Private Message me every so often.

Yeah, even my BDJ hasn't been updated much. 

I could run through 10,000 things at once at one time in my life. The other day, my immediate manager sat me down and asked me about my WINs (Wants, Interests, Needs). It was probably the most difficult thing he ever did. I am guessing he has never come across anyone that doesn't really want anything. I feel burned out but I don't have a reason to be burned out. I like my job and if I can continue simply doing my job, without anyone bothering me, I would be pretty happy. Somewhat though, a part of me is craving something and I don't even know what it is. It could be activity, excitement, some weird form of drug maybe, I don't know, but I know for a fact that it contributes to me lessening my online presence and my thought process.

I have always liked activity with people I care about. Lately, I have been somewhat closer to moms - my friends Aileen and Cym, both of which are amazing and wonderful mothers. They believe in different things and yet, their kids turn out pretty okay. I feel my body doing weird, crazy things. I know for a fact that I will never be pregnant. Well, not now when I'm very single and I really don't have any intentions of sleeping around. There's something in me that wants a child. Half of me wants it, half of me doesn't. I feel like at this point, I have a lot of maternal energy and I don't know who to give it to. I know that sounds weird and probably crazy to a lot of people, but feelings, hormones, demons, they're all inside, pushing me to be a mom.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna be this hot when I become preggers, but we never know, right?

If men are allowed to have quarter-life and mid-life crises where they bang every girl they see and buy a Lexus, then I'm pretty sure, this is somewhat the female equivalent. A woman kind of needs a child - that's supposedly the essence of being a woman - to carry a  child to term and give life. I know no one sees me as that - I've been too acrid, sarcastic and even a terror to work with. Maybe, even to have a relationship with. But this time, I'm just desperately needing a child and it affects me as whole. Maybe even my supposed writer's block.

Whatever this is, it's something I feel. I'm glad I'm not experiencing any physical manifestations of it (I'm not experiencing pseudocyesis). Maybe a little bit of me has given up on finding love and finding that one amaizng family which I will someday belong to. One thing I know is that I feel like I'm losing time.

Not gonna happen, which sucks. 

And losing opportunities.

Rationally speaking of course, I am severely sure that it's an Anthropological aching for a child. Women, back in the Cave Men era, were homemakers, they were the ones taking care of the young. And this is evidenced in most biological ecosystems. I know women don't need an alpha-male to mate, they just need a mate. In a Physiological sense, I am kind of sick, the hormones can and will affect the way I see my life. In a Psychological sense, maybe I am just crazy.

Ultimately, if your clock starts ticking, will your block keep hindering?

All photographs were taken legally from Stock Xchng. 

The One with the Quick Note

You, yes you, thanks for reading my blog. In fact, thanks to you, we're now moving on from just a measly number of views then to 2000 views now!

My attempt at creating my own graphics. Applause anyone? :) 

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