The One with the Writer's Block and Biological Clocks

When I get home from a long day, the only thing I can think of is to rest and watch some TV. I rarely visit my blog now and provide my insights to the world. I can't imagine not being able to rest my head against a few of my fluffy pillows while I get one and hugs it to pieces!

Not the actual pillows I have on my bed but fluffy enough for me to dream about them. 

I would like to believe that this is because I have been pouring my heart out at work and because the stress overwhelms me. I don't think it's true though. I like my job - it's light, non-overwhelming, unemotional and somewhat rewarding. I do a lot of deskwork though, which means using words all the time and lately, I've been experiencing what people would call a writers' block.

Oh don't get me wrong, it's not like I've ran out of words in my head, it's just that I have ran out of the drive to place it in an HTML pad and place pretty pictures I downloaded off Stock Xchng. I even find myself not returning some emails from friends, which I am deeply, truly sorry about. I usually email one liners, like "I got it", or "Sure". I've lost the "You can do it, I believe in you" chutzpah I seem to exude so people SMS/Email/Private Message me every so often.

Yeah, even my BDJ hasn't been updated much. 

I could run through 10,000 things at once at one time in my life. The other day, my immediate manager sat me down and asked me about my WINs (Wants, Interests, Needs). It was probably the most difficult thing he ever did. I am guessing he has never come across anyone that doesn't really want anything. I feel burned out but I don't have a reason to be burned out. I like my job and if I can continue simply doing my job, without anyone bothering me, I would be pretty happy. Somewhat though, a part of me is craving something and I don't even know what it is. It could be activity, excitement, some weird form of drug maybe, I don't know, but I know for a fact that it contributes to me lessening my online presence and my thought process.

I have always liked activity with people I care about. Lately, I have been somewhat closer to moms - my friends Aileen and Cym, both of which are amazing and wonderful mothers. They believe in different things and yet, their kids turn out pretty okay. I feel my body doing weird, crazy things. I know for a fact that I will never be pregnant. Well, not now when I'm very single and I really don't have any intentions of sleeping around. There's something in me that wants a child. Half of me wants it, half of me doesn't. I feel like at this point, I have a lot of maternal energy and I don't know who to give it to. I know that sounds weird and probably crazy to a lot of people, but feelings, hormones, demons, they're all inside, pushing me to be a mom.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna be this hot when I become preggers, but we never know, right?

If men are allowed to have quarter-life and mid-life crises where they bang every girl they see and buy a Lexus, then I'm pretty sure, this is somewhat the female equivalent. A woman kind of needs a child - that's supposedly the essence of being a woman - to carry a  child to term and give life. I know no one sees me as that - I've been too acrid, sarcastic and even a terror to work with. Maybe, even to have a relationship with. But this time, I'm just desperately needing a child and it affects me as whole. Maybe even my supposed writer's block.

Whatever this is, it's something I feel. I'm glad I'm not experiencing any physical manifestations of it (I'm not experiencing pseudocyesis). Maybe a little bit of me has given up on finding love and finding that one amaizng family which I will someday belong to. One thing I know is that I feel like I'm losing time.

Not gonna happen, which sucks. 

And losing opportunities.

Rationally speaking of course, I am severely sure that it's an Anthropological aching for a child. Women, back in the Cave Men era, were homemakers, they were the ones taking care of the young. And this is evidenced in most biological ecosystems. I know women don't need an alpha-male to mate, they just need a mate. In a Physiological sense, I am kind of sick, the hormones can and will affect the way I see my life. In a Psychological sense, maybe I am just crazy.

Ultimately, if your clock starts ticking, will your block keep hindering?

All photographs were taken legally from Stock Xchng.