It's the end of the year. Amazingly, there's so much to be thankful for, and I can't thank people enough.
This year's highlight - getting a new job, breaking up with my ex-fiance, reuniting with good friends, finding myself and being a force to be reckoned with. (Well, the last part remains to be seen...).
My life was in shambles, my health was failing and I was so darned stressed all the time. Merlin was perfect because it made me feel needed, wanted and yet, it made me feel desperate. I loved my direct boss Lucy (the only British lady that didn't grow up with Mary Poppins) and I liked my director Matt, but my voice was failing and I felt as if they needed someone that wasn't going to be sick all the time.
Also, this was the month where I was planning to find a job that won't kill me. I wanted a job that would preserve my "beauty" for the wedding. Leaving Merlin felt right and in Jan 2010, I left Merlin for good.
I moved to StarTek. It's a new, smaller and yet, I felt was powerful BPO that can grow. I never liked working for big corporations. I felt like it was time to change, to feel and to move with the dynamics of a new center that promised promotions, knowledge and lots of training - oh and wait, autonomy. :)
Because I was new, I reached out to friends every chance I got. I loved hanging with Aileen, Yogi, Libby, Arnel and Michelle. Michelle just had a falling out with her fiance of 11 years, Drei. At this point, we wanted to console her and make her feel better.
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| Still very much in love with the fiance. It was Feb and it was love month... |
Feb though was the time I believe things went downhill for my relationship. It was Lola Lydia's birthday and I was invited.
Something bad happened.
March 2010
Relationship Status: Still engaged
Health: So much better than before, my voice was back to normal, my boobies don't hurt, nothing hurts! I get to sleep at times, 10 hours a day... It was bliss!
Weight: Not really losing weight, not really caring, I guess. I'm not going to the beach anyhow. Maybe, I was hoping to gain more cos I love the food here!
Cigarette intake: Ivan started smoking with me... Yay! Around a pack a day.
Starting to like - no, love the job! Starting to have friends. Starting to love waking up knowing my modules will be bright orange, with a little bit of programming to make it work.... Starting to see colors of rainbows in a love story. I wanted a romantic comedy more than the telenovela I was trapped in.
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| Started to have a Saturday Single Session with Jack and Chloe - precipitated by Chloe begging Jack and I to teach her to drink. Lolz! She was still agitated with Jon and the bitch that was dating him now. |
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| Had a nice time at Tiendesitas sans Irish, but with the boys... |
I think to a point, I was secretly compensating. Jeoff has not become cold or cruel at this point, but our relationship was getting toxic. His family doesn't accept me, doesn't really understand me (no one does and will, we know that now), but I didn't take it with a grain of salt. I was very insulted, I was always unhappy about it. I felt like I wanted to see my relationship with colors as well.
April 2010
Relationship Status: Breaking up...
Health: Bad, can't sleep and can't eat. Couldn't fit into the XXL shirts without it showing my neck more. Cut up my old T-shirts and made them my sleep clothes.
Weight: Not really caring. Damn, my life is in turmoil. I can't even appreciate french fries and I love that!
Cigarette intake: A pack almost in the office, one more pack when I get home so I'm awake to think and perhaps half a pack more to help me calm down when I need to sleep.
I remember it like it was yesterday, it was the StarTek Bingo night. I agreed to go gimmick with Russell and Ivan. He called me up that morning. He broke it off.
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| That was the night where I felt so alone. He just broke up with me and this was the only pic I had. I begged Ivan not to take pics cos I know my eyes were severely puffy and I was gonna bawl. |
I stopped taking pictures. I looked at my life in this weird, almost funky way. I was gonna hang with friends. I had Aileen on speed dial. I text Yogi every now and then. I had Cym and Chloe and Jack totally doing my business for me - waking me up, getting food and drinking.
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| Looks familiar? They went all out for me, to talk to me and straighten me out. |
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| Videoke on a Holy Thursday. After my anniversary which is April Fools' Day! Lolz! |
I did everything I could to resurrect a dead love. I asked people to pray, I asked people to talk to him, I had people short of calling on the devil to give me a Faustian deal. I loved Jeoff. I don't know how I could just walk away and let him walk away from me. I wanted him so much to be part of my life, I wanted to grow old with him.
Everyone was in full force for support. Friends came for me. They really wanted me to feel better after what happened. Not that I would. WE even went to the beach - something unprecedented for a clique with married, familied and single people.
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| (L-R): Winchie, Chloe, Ela (my godchild), a very preggers Cymmie, Irish and hubby Pau and Jack. |
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| I wasn't gonna cut myself but I found that I was very good with knives. |
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| Played poker by the beach. |
The praying, the live chicken sacrifices worked (not that any of my friends actually sacrificed a live chicken and if anyone did, thanks... hope the chicken tasted good.). We got back together.
May 2010
Relationship Status: Ok, just ok... not engaged anymore. Having fun with Jeoff... It was a period of rediscovering your love for someone and I think May was the best month of our relationship.
Health: Better. I wasn't in turmoil anymore. Cocky cos I got him back and he seemed so much more in love. Promised me that he will be with me for 50 years even after his mother and father disown him and even if we never get married.
Weight: Trying to be careful with what I eat. Scared to die cos I wanted 50 years with Jeoff.
Cigarette intake: A pack, I promised him a pack a day. And I kept to that, tried to cut back cos I was doing it for love.
We would bicker, we would fight, but life went on. I held my own in this relationship, telling him I don't want to be officially "together" unless we ironed things out (you know this means, Facebook status right?)
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| By May 10, 2010, we were officially together again. |
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| He even commented on it. Lolz. |
This month isn't just about him and me. It's about me taking a leap of faith and deciding that my job was the best job I've ever had. I was building friendships with people in the office.
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| (L-R): Jessie, Candy and Ivan in a Pampanga Airfield. |
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| They were looking at a plane and it was just too good to pass up - did you look up too? |
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| Yup, that's me, enjoying my weapon of mass destruction circa 1945. |
I was tremendously enjoying myself. I didn't have a care in the world. I was in love, I was young (WAS), I was at the prime of my life, I had great friends, a wonderful job, I was praying to God everyday to keep our love strong and pure and wonderful until...
June 2010
Relationship Status: Bickering, fighting, he was starting to resent me... Break up time again...
Health: In pain.. I wanted to take a leave and never come back.
Weight: Like what a good friend, Gary, told me once - it's ok to stop eating, stop sleeping and start smoking and drinking (and I'm adding this) cos your universe has fallen.
Cigarette intake: As Libby would say "Suba lang ng suba" which basically means any cigarette in the world, at any point, at every chance you get.
He broke up with me. It was a random day in June. I remember what I was wearing - a brown dress. I remember what I was drinking - latte. I remember what it all was, but I can't remember the date. I can't remember the pain. I think I blotted it out of my mind for so long. The first thought that raced through my head? Long time coming. First thing that I did after he said it's over? Smoked. First thing that I did after I smoked? Curled up and cried for hours. First thing I did after I cried for eternity? Took my towel and ironed my clothes. It was time for work. First thing I did after I went to work? Sat there for hours, wishing somehow that God would strike me with an embolism that would kill me instantly. First thing I did when God wasn't kind enough to send me an embolism that would kill me? Pretended nothing phased me. Worked my ass off, asked for more responsibilities. Had a long talk with Candy with no tears, no feelings and amazingly, no regrets.
There weren't pictures in June. There were only tears. (Drama Queen!) But yeah, I needed a few weeks to make me feel normal again.
August 2010
Relationship Status: Very SINGLE (like icky single, the type that cries for 30 minutes everyday, wishing and hoping the guy that dumped her will come back)
Health: To hell with health, who cares?! I was alone. It was ok to die alone. Hell, I was even praying everyday that my cab driver was a drunkard that didn't know red from green.
Weight: Lost weight. Somehow. I turned 29.
Cigarette intake: Ha, what cigarettes? I was a freakin' fireplace. I think my lungs turned black that month.
There were no celebrations, no big fancy dinner. My family understood and so did my friends. There was no anything. I turned 29 and I can tell you that it was the same day - it was a workday, with no chance of being in anyone's radar.
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Sonja visited and I learned that it's ok to drink everyday - vodka, wine, amaretto sour, beer, bad beer, fruity mojitos and daquiris, it's ok... Cos at home, if and when you do get home, you fall asleep.
At Padrino's, A Venue with Nel, Ivan, Belle, Sonja and Tyff |
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There was not one moment when I wanted to be alone.
At Caffeina, with the gang. |
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I wanted friends to console me, to help me, to ease me of my pain.
At Malate's Blue Room with Chloe and Pau |
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And they did. They were all understanding and kind enough to do so.
At Tutti Frutti, for Cym's Baby Shower. |
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Friends made me laugh, amazed me, carried me through.
At Fez, Serendra with the entire team. |
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They showed me true love can work, and sometimes, it's a matter of time.
At Carlo's Pizza, Aileen and Arnel telling us about the pregnancy. |
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Made me realize that life is something that you can look forward to and not dread.
In the office, for a Summer Theme Day we conceptualized with Tyff. |
I learned to forgive myself, poke fun at myself, be sarcastic about it, live a life away from being Jeoff's girl and really, truly zone in on what I want to do with my life. I was tired of living a lie. I was tired of trying so damned hard. I wanted a change. I loved him still and would have my moments where I wanted nothing but him by my side. I would tell him I love him and never expect anything back. But I knew, at the back of my mind, it was my time cos I gave him all that I am for years.
Part 2 in the next jump...
