The One with the 20-20 Retrospective Vision

Wow, I stopped in August and I totally have myself to blame for this little oversight in my schedule.

After I turned 30, so much has happened. 

Funny picture of a lady stopped short near a car... I'm nowhere near this hot. 

1. I have just taken on so much more projects at work 

Never tried chewing a pen this way, but perhaps I should. 

2. I helped a few friends get a design job - yay for me! 

Totally could have picked more feminine shoes but what the hey... :) 

3. I have met someone... yes... met someone 

Not us, but could be us... :) 

4. I traveled 

Thailand, baby!

5. I signed up for my Masters degree. 

Guess what, ma! I need some tuition!

Yes, I am quite an overachiever. By far, it's been one weird show after another. My life can be considered one heck of a cool sitcom now. I have been enjoying the company of friends, been experiencing new things and totally digging the fact that I am learning so much about myself and my environment now. 

I could say that not updating my blog was not really a plus, however, of the very few, selected people that read this blog, there are so much more experiences that I wish I could actually write about and share with the world - not because it feels amazing but because I feel like people who are going through the same thing would have something to relate to. 

They always say that in retrospect, things are always in 20-20. So here's what I learned by far...

Clearer, baby! 

1. I wanted to be with someone so badly. 

Yes, after my last relationship ended, I wanted so badly to be with someone. It didn't matter who it was, it could have been some weird rebound relationship, it would have given me someone to love and someone to love me back and intimacy (read: not physical) was what I needed. I felt like my ex was never completely open and intimate with me (because of the lack of time spent and everything in between) and so I was constantly needing to validate myself through another man's eyes. 

It's hard to always be part of someone's schedule. 

2. I never enjoyed what I had. 

I have a loving and wonderful family. My friends - I couldn't ask for more. These people know me and would spew truth from mouths over a bitch brew. I had and have a great job. It's like life really equipped me for what I consider to be a great fall. It's like what my friend would always say, you never get it all. The theory is if you find a great job, your love life will be a total decimated mess. She's right. So, enjoy the mess, make mistakes, sleep around (this I haven't really followed yet) and find who you are. 

Ahh... haven't had a "glow" for a while. Lolz! 

3. I was always chasing one high after another and I never stopped to smell the roses well enough to enjoy the next chase.

I think it's pretty self-explanatory, when there's no one to push you to be "better", you push yourself to be better and yet, it never felt like something I would do cos I always chased after what is something people would be after - a better job, a faster and sexier life, a handsome man and a delicious car to boot (Jaguar). I don't even drive! :) So what's the lesson? Back to basics. Pray (if you believe in a God), love (be with family and friends) and live it up (sign up for a class and damned it, baby, there's no need to date around if you don't believe it). 

Everything is a hurdle cos you are so set on the finish line. Sometimes, it's cool to just walk around and ignore the people, places and things around you and just figure out what you want. 

4. I don't want to be anything other than me. 

Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone who told me that everything changes. Evolution is the essence of life. So when men want to sleep with you before they decide whether they like you or not, when men decide to leave you because they can't get everything they need from you, when bosses yell and scream at you because you can't perform the way they want you to, when school pushes you to be a half-beaten zombie at the end of the day because you friggin' asked for it, b*tch, and when friends don't spend time with you because they're married, with children or in a relationship, you have to go with it. It just dawned on me after the conversation that I don't want to sleep with men to figure out if I like them, I refuse to believe that love is dead and can't compromise, I will do my homework when I can and I'm awake and to hell with what everyone thinks in a coffee shop cos I'm alone and drowning in paper and books, I am not going to sit down and be yelled at by my boss cos he/she is simply having a bad day and I will do my best to spend time with friends, even if it means babysitting or enduring a long, winded conversation about motorcycles with their respective boyfriends or the latest Prada collection with their girlfriends, no matter how much you want to shoot yourself after. I am me. I don't have anyone else to love me and to change me just because circumstances tell me to. 

All in, baby! 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to read through some of my school stuff. :)

All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng, my leading provider of stock photos.
Thailand pictures taken with an Nokia N8 phone camera. 

The One with the Big 3-0!!!

I'm going to be honest. I have done a lot of things I am not particularly proud of.

Alright, sounds like a confession, right? It is quite true. I am not proud of eating like crazy on the weekend of my birthday.

We had lunch at our favorite Chinese place, Luk Foo. Yeah, we traveled to QC just to get to eat that authentic MSG-laden food that we so love and adore.

I am not proud of eating like crazy on the weekend of my birthday. 

Yang Chow Fried Rice for starters. 

Beef Tenderloin in Sweet and Sour Sauce - Heaven!

Lechon Kawali or Deep Fried Pork, yum!

I was pretty serious about losing the weight til I realized how much a wonder it is to eat food. More food pics coming up in honor of my 30th big bang, lolz! 

The One with the Bumpy Cab Ride

A lot of people don't know this about me but I can actually drive. I just never bothered lining up for a license and never bothered hard enough to get a car. I get by with riding cabs - hey less hassle with the parking and less issues with the bad traffic I have to deal with to get to work or to get home.

Traffic nightly from my place to Makati looks like this.Yes, even at 11PM at night! 

There are days when I'm thankful that I don't drive. When it's raining, for example and the roads are muddied, slippery and jammed with a bumper-to-bumper entourage of cars. Amazingly, just when it's raining and when it's crowded, that's when the mouth of hell opens and spews all the motorists in the world, throw into the mix the maze manipulating, passenger-hoarding jeepneys and you've got yourself a man-made disaster - the Manila traffic.

Not Manila, but close. And if this was Manila, this would be snake-like and not as orderly. 

What is confusing about the traffic is amidst all of this, a normal passenger is still able to manage his/her life throughout. Behind the long queue in train stations across the metro, the hundreds of people trying to steal your cab, the filled jeepneys and let's not forget the FX, the trikes and the other forms of transportation I have yet to ride, there are still people in their offices. Only when you're travelling during rush hour do you see how immensely and densely populated the city is. Isn't it a wonder how we all fit into this tiny city?

Crowded, crowded, crowded. 

So, here I am, soaking wet from the onslaught of monsoon rains, standing in a puddle of what appears to be water, motor oil and some other thick slushy liquid, do I chance upon this cab. I was desperate. I had to get to work because I, just like everyone else, have deadlines to meet (and miles to go before I sleep). I was lucky enough to get his attention (thanks to my ravishing red umbrella).

Everyone needs one. I am telling you! 

I struck up a conversation with the dude driving the cab. Profile: 40 yrs old or so (do you really want to know how I can figure this out?!), kids, wife, driving a cab for some time, can strike up a convo, isn't afraid to ask for more cash if the streets are flooded, safety-minded - meaning he cared whether I locked my doors or not. For some reason, we got into the fact that most passengers tend to be absent-minded and leave their valuables behind. This is where the conversation started getting testy.

Don't leave your cab without it. 

Apparently, the driver has experienced something bad when it comes to returning things. His passenger left her mobile on the cab and after a couple of hours, the phone was ringing. He picked it up. Naturally, the passenger asked for her phone back and he said he's a city away. Quezon City to be exact. The passenger was dropped off in Taguig. The passenger said to return it and she'll take care of the bill. Naturally, the cab driver assumed he'd get at least the running meter for the cab. Lo and behold, when he got to her, all she gave was a 50PhP bill. She was even mad that it took so long. From here on forward, he said, he's never going to return anything to anyone anymore.

Where the *ff are you?! 

Obviously, trying to reason with someone that has that mindset won't work. I tried questions and other means of making this guy realize that karma does exist and it bites you back tenfold and yet, I guess that harrowing experience taught him that doing good isn't always going to reward you.

Maybe all the dude wanted was a thumbs-up? 

I was honestly alarmed. It's kind of sad that people have lost all sense of goodwill towards others? It's not just the cab driver, it's the lady passenger who handed the driver a 50 and basically said "get lost". Then there's the driver who in his intentions got lost, thinking he needed a reward for the things he did. Isn't the reward of a good deed the act itself? I'm not going to launch into a litany of anachronistic phrases from the Bible, some gentleman's code from the 1800's or some old English poet, but when you think about it, doesn't it alarm you that people out there won't even give you the time of the day even if it's a good deed anyhow?

All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng, my leading provider of stock photos.

The One with the Gray Flannel Life

You're working a 9 to 5 job and you're haplessly scouring crowds for the next available cab. The influx of people can be likened to a tsunami - the wave of gray, blue and brown tops all around you drown out your white shirt. Rush hour traffic is pouring in and you just can't, for the life of you, understand why the hell the city is populated with so many people. You now wonder where the hell these people are coming from and just irritatingly think - where the heck do you guys work - only cos you don't remember having that much colleagues or people in your building. 

This is New York and this is kind of like how a Manila traffic cam looks like as you cruise along EDSA.

I work in Makati, the most densely-populated business hub/industrial zone/BPO central/nightlife and lifestyle domicile/residential city in the entire Metro Manila. If you've ever been here, there is no heck way you would want to live here. Maybe because of the proximity to work, but other than that, the traffic is infernal, the queue to any type of food service is eternal and the heat (thanks to the thousands of people taking the train with you, or ribbing you to get the next available cab) has no interval (I had to rhyme there...). 

GT Tower in Makati. Just a few blocks away from virtually any other building. 

Forget finding some common ground with the rest of the business populace. Every day is a rat race - it's a long-enduring marathon to the office, followed by a bike ride uphill and downhill to your boss' heart (and if you're fortunate enough to have multiple bosses to please, your bosses' hearts and sometimes, even liver and lungs - think alcohol and ciggies) and a long brisk walk to the end of the day, to which the endurance marathon begins again as you do the diurnal exodus to your respective city. 

Some people prefer the fastest way out from the business hub every day. I'd rather ride a cab than get ribbed, suffer microfractures on my back and shoulder bones and maybe an occasional bruise here and there. Why there was this one time that my shirt lost a button amidst the chaos in the train. 

A few months ago, I had the choice of trading my offbeat, colorful, chunky clothes for a gray flannel suit. I won't say where or how or why, but I was given the opportunity to join a leading financial institution. I did my part - filling out forms, long interviews, having time snatched away from you in a long and winding waiting room/lounge for applicants as you listen to their company anthem over and over and over and over and over (and over and over and over again until you want to slash your wrists off using the blunt side of your phone or maybe using the twine used to sew your purse). They offered a wonderful remuneration package... a car loan, a good salary, bonuses, other packages that other companies (BPOs to be exact) can't provide. The catch is working from 9 to 5 and maybe even beyond that. 

Obviously, I'm not this hot. She's wearing the gray flannel suit much better than me. 

I wasn't ready to give up my freedom. Call it my last hurrah or my child-like impulses or the need to have fun in my job, but it dawned on me that I wasn't ready nor wanting the gray flannel life. It was an associate manager position and their employees have stayed with them for years, some even counting decades of sheer dedicated and disciplined work. I was going to handle a team, and report to a director of sorts and yet my heart was sinking. I felt it in the pit of my stomach. I politely asked to think about it and decided against all rational and logical thought that I should reconsider my current position. 

Not that ready to be chained to hardcore corporate just yet...

I want a team that's dynamic, that's fervent and teeming with energy. I want work that changes as times change. I want marketing and communication and learning and training and passion - yes, passion in my work. Passion in the written word, passion in letting someone learn from you and learning something from someone. Engaging someone. Involving someone. Firing-up their senses and stabilizing culture and intent. Training is my passion and to be confined or boxed in a boundary was just too much for me. I foresaw myself having to ask for approval per protocol I was going to implement. I saw myself barking against a wall of corporate suits that won't listen to a word I say because their company has simply existed long before my parents were even born and will probably exist long after I'm gone. I guess that is what I'm against, corporate red-tape that would otherwise kill my mojo. 

Am I regretting my decision, that's why I'm writing about this experience? Not really. I realized I'm not a purist. I am not someone direly in need of a grown-up, mature job. I sincerely appreciate the hustle and bustle of a corporate jungle in the guise of a playground. 

All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng. 

The One with the Writer's Block and Biological Clocks

When I get home from a long day, the only thing I can think of is to rest and watch some TV. I rarely visit my blog now and provide my insights to the world. I can't imagine not being able to rest my head against a few of my fluffy pillows while I get one and hugs it to pieces!

Not the actual pillows I have on my bed but fluffy enough for me to dream about them. 

I would like to believe that this is because I have been pouring my heart out at work and because the stress overwhelms me. I don't think it's true though. I like my job - it's light, non-overwhelming, unemotional and somewhat rewarding. I do a lot of deskwork though, which means using words all the time and lately, I've been experiencing what people would call a writers' block.

Oh don't get me wrong, it's not like I've ran out of words in my head, it's just that I have ran out of the drive to place it in an HTML pad and place pretty pictures I downloaded off Stock Xchng. I even find myself not returning some emails from friends, which I am deeply, truly sorry about. I usually email one liners, like "I got it", or "Sure". I've lost the "You can do it, I believe in you" chutzpah I seem to exude so people SMS/Email/Private Message me every so often.

Yeah, even my BDJ hasn't been updated much. 

I could run through 10,000 things at once at one time in my life. The other day, my immediate manager sat me down and asked me about my WINs (Wants, Interests, Needs). It was probably the most difficult thing he ever did. I am guessing he has never come across anyone that doesn't really want anything. I feel burned out but I don't have a reason to be burned out. I like my job and if I can continue simply doing my job, without anyone bothering me, I would be pretty happy. Somewhat though, a part of me is craving something and I don't even know what it is. It could be activity, excitement, some weird form of drug maybe, I don't know, but I know for a fact that it contributes to me lessening my online presence and my thought process.

I have always liked activity with people I care about. Lately, I have been somewhat closer to moms - my friends Aileen and Cym, both of which are amazing and wonderful mothers. They believe in different things and yet, their kids turn out pretty okay. I feel my body doing weird, crazy things. I know for a fact that I will never be pregnant. Well, not now when I'm very single and I really don't have any intentions of sleeping around. There's something in me that wants a child. Half of me wants it, half of me doesn't. I feel like at this point, I have a lot of maternal energy and I don't know who to give it to. I know that sounds weird and probably crazy to a lot of people, but feelings, hormones, demons, they're all inside, pushing me to be a mom.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna be this hot when I become preggers, but we never know, right?

If men are allowed to have quarter-life and mid-life crises where they bang every girl they see and buy a Lexus, then I'm pretty sure, this is somewhat the female equivalent. A woman kind of needs a child - that's supposedly the essence of being a woman - to carry a  child to term and give life. I know no one sees me as that - I've been too acrid, sarcastic and even a terror to work with. Maybe, even to have a relationship with. But this time, I'm just desperately needing a child and it affects me as whole. Maybe even my supposed writer's block.

Whatever this is, it's something I feel. I'm glad I'm not experiencing any physical manifestations of it (I'm not experiencing pseudocyesis). Maybe a little bit of me has given up on finding love and finding that one amaizng family which I will someday belong to. One thing I know is that I feel like I'm losing time.

Not gonna happen, which sucks. 

And losing opportunities.

Rationally speaking of course, I am severely sure that it's an Anthropological aching for a child. Women, back in the Cave Men era, were homemakers, they were the ones taking care of the young. And this is evidenced in most biological ecosystems. I know women don't need an alpha-male to mate, they just need a mate. In a Physiological sense, I am kind of sick, the hormones can and will affect the way I see my life. In a Psychological sense, maybe I am just crazy.

Ultimately, if your clock starts ticking, will your block keep hindering?

All photographs were taken legally from Stock Xchng. 

The One with the Political Angst

I never thought I'd be one to post anything political but what the heck, some of my readers asked for it, so let's give it a go...

At the start of this year, we were shocked and horrified with the civil protests in Egypt. The people took to the streets, as then Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak was being accused of severe corruption. The Egyptian government's financial oversight body stated that the Mubarak, including his wife Suzanne, and his sons, Alaa and Gamal, have amassed billions of dollars' worth of properties, including luxury apartments and condominiums, palaces and even valuable farm land. This doesn't merely stretch along the Alexandria and Cairo, but traverses time zones - from the Red Sea luxury resort condos, to Beverly Hills Mansions, to properties in Paris, France. Apart from the extreme properties, the Mubarak family has acquired, over the years, companies which are worth millions of dollars. 

The Mubarak Family: (L-R) Alaa, Suzanne, Hosni and Gamal.
Picture Credit: Huffington Post 

To find out more about Hosni and the family, let's take a look at their history. Hosni took over the Egyptian government in 1981 when his predecessor, Anwar Sadat, was assassinated, following peace talks with Israel. Since the monarchy was overthrown, presidency was the next best thing and Hosni, in his first political address to his public in Cairo, promised "not to commit myself to what I can not implement, hide the truth from people, or be lenient with corruption and disorder...". 

(Far right) Hosni Mubarak in 1981. 

After assuming the post in 1981,supposedly, Hosni has rigged every election and has done everything in his power to push for elections every 6 years, but crushing political opponents and dissidents prior to the elections. 

Democratic rigging as demonstrated by Hosni in one of the allegedly rigged elections. 

During the 2005 Egyptian Presidential elections, no international observers were allowed in the Egyptian polls. 

Dr. Ayman Nour, a political opponent that tried to shed light on the widespread rigging of elections, was imprisoned  for forgery and was sentenced to 5 years of hard labor. 

January 25th, that fateful day, when people in Egypt bundled together to show their disgust and uprising against the corrupt and cheating Mubarak, was the day the world was introduced to a Muslim country fighting for its own rights. The massive outpouring of Egyptians in the streets of Cairo incited the world to take notice and for the world to become a spectator in a country desperate yet dedicated to reclaim its reputation and dignity as a nation. Following the uprising in Tunisia (which is a completely different story), Egypt's white and blue collar employees, students and random ordinary citizens pooled into the biggest uprising the Muslim country has ever seen. January 27th was the day that Egypt shut down the Internet - forcing people like Alyouka, the first Egyptian Twitter user to use the hash tag #Jan25 to alert others to protest. 

Social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook were repeatedly blocked in Egypt for some time, ensuring that no other countries will be aware of what is going on in the country.

Protesters in the streets, carrying flags, drums, anything to show their revolt. 

What does this tell us? It tells us that in extreme oppression, people revolt. When things become too unpalatable and undesirable, it becomes the tipping point. In extreme cases, people don't only revolt, they fight and civil unrest ensues. A government will face its downfall when people find their means and they will, because they won't stop until they overthrow someone whom they know is not going to be good or right for them. 

This happens rarely in everyday life. People in the Philippines are way too weak to even question corruption. We tend to shrug and say, '...meh, karma will get them'. In the face of billion-peso scams, worthless pork barrel implementations and dare I say, smear campaigns. We're very good communicators - we form opinions and share them in taxi cabs, usual inuman sa kanto sessions and friendly dinners. We even, in our families, talk about politics. 

Surely, I'm not the only one that thinks that LPG-ran vehicles isn't bad for the public's health. It's been chronicled that LPG emits hydrocarbons and carbon monoxide and the poor cab drivers that drive those heinous converted vehicles are not benefiting from paying less for gas if they're going to pay for lung surgery medications after! Thanks to the former first gentleman Mike Arroyo for that! For more, I'm not the lone proponent of the thought that politicians should worry more about the health and safety of children in the Philippines rather than get caught up in a sex video scandal featuring a well-known erstwhile plastic surgeon come singer/actor and an up and coming starlet (And yes, Senator Bong, the word is perversion - not pervertedness or something to that effect, and sir, not pointing fingers, but you dare say, in front of congress, that Hayden Kho doesn't have morality and doesn't respect other women? You, sir, have a wife and Lord knows, 11 kids?! And you have allegedly slept with all your female co-stars. Am I on glue here?!). Then there's the RH Bill - don't even get me started on that one. In a church, near my office, there's a tarp saying "Stop the RH Bill, It's not God's will". I don't think God's will is to have 100,000 bastards at the end of each month because people had to avoid contraception. Further to that, let's face it, people are having sex! They are! In fact, my bet is someone half my age is doing it right now, with some dude she met at a bar, or a drinking session or whatnot.This young lady, with a condom or the pills, will avoid conception by almost 96% (I'm a pharmacist, BTW, so these stats make sense to me...) which means she may not conceive at all! The probability of her being preggers by the end of the bump-n-grind session is almost 96% as well. Given the right ovulation period, hormonal triggers,etc - I'm not gonna bore you with that - the point is, this girl would have to stop a year of her education to give birth, then expecting her to do the right thing, we expect her to land a job, a good career so she can provide for the resulting child. How can she do that if she's not equipped to face that responsibility? I'm freakin' 30, I can't imagine having a child yet! So what more if I was 15 and I got preggers? I'm with the whole movement that children are our future and perhaps the Catholic church has a right to impose upon its people the avoidance of contraception, but even the government is weighing in on it. You can be Pro-Life or Pro-Choice, either way, it's not your life that's at stake, it's that child's. And about children - if DSWD's programs were half as good, we won't be seeing rugby-sniffers around the metro, we won't see children prostituting themselves to foreign and local customers and yes, fathers won't be abusing their daughters or their sons, for that matter. If the government was ran as successfully as it can be, how come we're poor as a nation? Why are we illiterate as a nation? Why are out people generally thought of as domestic helpers in other countries? We clean for a living and we can't even clean our own society. 

The separation of the church and state rarely happens in the Philippines because politicians are worried about the amount of support they'll get from church leaders, or lack thereof, should they oppose.

Sometimes, I envy Egypt, because they took their flag and ran with it. They were unapologetic and they understood that they can reclaim their nation - they can reclaim the morality and the dignity that is the seat of civilization. With us, ask anyone in the street about the most moving news story they heard the past few days and that would probably be a showbiz news! It sucks that we've bred a society that fosters lack of awareness, but what stings more is that we ourselves breathe the society that fosters apathy. Bet a peso that this person you ask in the streets won't even know much of the history of the Philippines, how ancestors fought for our freedom and how we should be thankful for it. How long does the culture of apathy run and will this generation's legacy be that? You and I will have to decide. 

All Egypt and Mubarak pictures were taken from the Huffington Post. 

No photographers were harmed during the making of this post. All other pictures were taken from Stock Xchng. 

The One with God and the Multi-level Manager

A couple of years back. I was a Training and Development Coordinator before, in Merlin. I used to handle several sites - Hungary, UK and the Philippines. Think that it's a Training and Development Manager post, except that the company calls it something else for purposes of taxation, semantics (cos they're Brit) and the whole thought of we're not a call centre hence we're not gonna call everyone a manager mindset. (Thanks to James for clearing that up!)

Apparently, I should have had a PDA. They just gave me a laptop and I had to lug it around for hours to get to the office! Hahaha! 

In Hungary, where there is an entire floor in a building dedicated to the company, there are so much more employees. Handling training for soft skills, communications and other specifics was simply harder to accomplish remotely and at the same time, it was just hard to follow-up.

In the UK, because it's corporate, it's easier. The personnel are great to get along with and they often just need some systems training, where one SME (subject matter expert) is already in the site and it's mere coordination that needs to be set in motion.

In the Philippines, it was a whole lot easier. Everyone can see you, everyone "respects" you to a certain extent and it's easier to reach out. People are commonly more agreeable cos they know you're working hard on something and your intention is to get everyone trained on a specific topic, even if it means taking an hour-long call from the NASA affiliate of the account you're handling (which means extending your shift until 5 in the morning even though it's agreed that you only work until 2AM).

Getting people to follow your training requires some weird talent - it involves food, some warm coffee and a lot of stand-up acts that you should have mastered by the time you're almost 30! 

Earlier today, I had dinner with a trusted friend. He sat down with me and told me how he abhors (notice how I skipped the use of the word hate cos it just doesn't give me the same intensity as "abhor") it when some "evangelists" tell you you're wrong and condemns you to turn you to their religion. He spoke of a time when he felt like he was being crucified for doing something wrong, as a former classmate of ours would come to his house and would try to get him to attend a church he belonged to. They stopped talking after my friend said "I'm not saying no to God, I'm saying no to you...". I guess the extremist church dude took the Bible verse "...do not yoke with unbelievers" seriously. 

Who could say no to that face? Maybe evangelists should utilize cherub-like  images before they "preach". They'd get better responses. 

I came to think about my own experiences in religion. I have had friends who would gently prod, others would guilt you into going to their churches, others would surprise you (as in you feel trapped, you're in someone's "party", and in the middle of the hip LL Cool J song, they whip out their Bibles and the pool is already prepped for your "baptism") and others would simply back-off when you say you're busy. Those whom I'm still friends with are those who showed genuine concern. Those who may have failed but still show their care, would pray for me, would accompany me on a bad day or simply go shopping and not quite talk about their faith. I've been approached by all types of religions - Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism and Christianity. All types of faiths, leading me to believe sometimes that I can just wait until some cult comes up to me and say "The Sunshine State of Mind is the way to go..." and I'd just finally give up and say "Sure, why not?!". I figured there are really those that force and condemn and criticize, without taking someone's side on anything. They judge and cast stones. If you've ever been approached by people who tell you that your faith is wrong, you're wrong or the way you live your life is wrong, then you know what I mean. They congregate as a group and collectively point their fingers at you, choosing to say "You're wrong", instead of "This is what's right in my eyes, or in God's eyes...". 

Judge me. I'm a sinner. 

In most cases, eager and overzealous evangelists become the judge,jury and executioner. I'm familiar with the drill. Corner someone and say he or she is wrong. He/she is a sinner. He/she is a bad person. Guess what, everyone is a sinner. Supposedly, according to the Bible, "everyone has sinned and fallen short of God's glory". There's no need to condemn anyone because "the wages of sin is death" and I will skip stating which part of the Bible it is. The main idea is God has always tried to reach out, to coordinate, to hold out His hands and try to get people to see His point of view. Preachers tend to point their fingers at you and say "You're the worst person on earth"... They follow up their church and what their doctrines are and it scares the heck out of you because you're not a judgmental person and you simply hope not to be judged by anyone. 

I read it once. Not enough to quote it like a lawyer but hey, enough to know God loves me. 

They always say that God is a jealous, spiteful, avenging God. He is a God that punishes and whatever bad thing that happens to you is your punishment. Flu? You didn't read the Bible yesterday! Leprosy? That's cos you cheated off your 2nd-grade classmate back then. AIDS? Homosexual abomination! You deserve that! Famine and strife? Your country is heathen and hedonistic and you've displeased God! I sincerely don't doubt that there are people out there who tend to cast stones because of self-righteousness. Guess what, it makes sense to me. Scare someone sh*tless and you tend to make them want to seek out the one thing that would hold them together. But isn't this a cult tactic? Isn't this what the Manson Family (Charles, not Marilyn) did? Isn't this what the late great cultist Jim Jones did in Jonestown, Guyana? Fear - fear of failing, fear of humiliation, fear of rejection - aren't those their tools? These men - great minds, amazing followship (and I don't call it fellowship because it might offend some people) was because they were bullies. They coerce people to follow, coerce people to belong and thus, people tend to. They make a stand, and they force people into accepting their words as gospel truth because they have a congregation that says "amen" to what they say, because they have a group that can "excommunicate" you when you choose not to follow and they have the machinery of God's word - thousands of Bible verses to prove to you, to the congregation and the rest of the world that YOU ARE WRONG! 

Still a cute girl. Seriously,preachers, get a little girl to do this... 

Guess what, no one wants to hear they're wrong. 

I was asked by my trusted friend what I think God is like. He laughed when I said "God is like a really good omnipresent and omniscient multi-level manager in a corporation" (Sounds like something I'd say, right? Blasphemous and challenging.). He is an excellent manager of people and a manager of systems. When God needs something communicated, He tends to look into a person's psyche first. Figures out what works best then goes with it and runs with it. Different strokes for different folks. I think God figured out a long time ago that bullying doesn't work (Those Inquisitions never did Christianity any good, did it?) and tolerance, instead of condemnation, is key. God doesn't sit down and tell other people in the department to give sanctions to people for mere omissions or commissions (Christian term which means omitted acts - like reading the Bible, praying, paying your tithes, etc and committed acts - lying, cheating, coveting someone's wife, etc), rather He weighs his options. He has a Performance Appraisal for everyone and knows what each one did to merit an Exceeds Expectations rating, or Fully Successful or even Needs Improvement. He listens in on calls, knows your metrics, bases your performance on that rather than something subjective like how well you participate in meetings or how friendly you were to the staff. God works in mysterious ways too, He doesn't need a major breakthrough so He'd give you a kudos, He knows what you did and He will pat your back when you deserve it. God also sits you down and tells you you've been late for a couple of times, and what the hell is wrong with you or tells you your metrics have dipped, and works with you on how you can make it easier to target those metrics. God isn't a micro-manager. He tells you what He wants done and sets your expectations clearly and tries to get out of your way so you can work your mojo. Ultimately, God knows how to communicate to you. There's no need for flaming swords or the vision of Eden or tears of blood and gold to show you how much He cares. At the end of the day, God is an excellent multi-level manager. 

God has a freakishly large calendar to pencil in talking to his people!

Managing sites, getting people's buy in, finding common things to talk about, not bullying anyone... If I was as good as God (please don't consider this blasphemy, you can dream right?), I would have done that. I would have lessened the administrative tasks and I would have given my all to talk to people and make them want the training, make them want to learn, push them to make the best decisions of their careers and not coerce them into making decisions based on fear or bullying tactics.If you're going to minister to me, trust me. I'm going to need you to talk to me the way most managers do, with patience, tolerance and finally, with understanding. There's no need for an Inquisition when you're not ready for a war. 

No photographers were harmed intellectually during the making of this post. All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng.

The One with the Prowess

I had a quick talk with a younger family member of a good friend. She currently works for a BPO and has mentioned that as an agent, she does pretty well but her scorecards change so often that she gets so confused about what to follow and what to expect next. 

BPO personnel often think that they should always change it up. 

I figured I'd talk to her and find out more about what she wants. She opened up and told me that she wants to be a coach someday. I asked her what she's doing about it and she said, nonchalantly, that's fine. It's all politics. You can date an OM (Operations Manager) and next week become a supervisor. 

That really troubled the heck out of me. I was never the type to rub elbows intentionally. If I see them, I'll say hello, offer them a smoke or a cup of coffee (if we have some handy) and if I encounter them in a resto, I'd of course walk over and say hello. 

Losers wear a frown and smilers wear a crown! Booyah! 

I do a lot of sideline work, and special marketing and consulting projects tend to make you seem more popular than you are, especially if they're Chinese businessmen and they just want some marketing or campaign letters, newsletters or magazine ads. I bump into them in the doctor's office, near my old school, inside a mall boutique and yep, sometimes, while walking home from the nearby drugstore. So, yes, I do walk over, say hello, speak in their vernacular and tell them that I hope they contact me soon for more pictures or web templates or marketing pieces. But I figured, it's only because I'm selling myself (not myself literally!). And let's face it, in the project-contractual world, we don't have scorecards. We only have face value, a hard copy and a soft copy that can be replicated by 10,000 other Six Sigma, SDI and Industrial Manufacturing certified personnel in the field. 

Talking to her, this is when I remembered what I had written in my journal when I was younger. I was so pissed off. One of the high school classmates I had was "voted" an editor. Yes, the high school paper's editorial board was actually voted. They were not judged based on writing skills or knowledge of lay-outs or who's been in the group long, it was an election, which obviously turned out to be a major popularity contest. I had a diary then that would lock in front and I had the key with me at all times. Thanks to Ondoy (International Name: Ketsana), I was able to unearth the diary and I jammed the lock out, allowing me to review and read what I had written so long ago. 

I remember sitting by a tree in the school and writing about it while trying so hard not to cry.

It's never who you know, it's always who you are... Never mistake perception for personality, never assume power for prowess and never take pertinence for passion. 

I was 15, I was miffed and I can't understand why on earth would people choose someone popular and not someone who can do the job? Why does it matter who your clique is? Why can't you get a job or a position based on how efficiently you did? 

I looked at my younger friend across the table. I told her fine, rub elbows, but be sure you're competent enough cos people who can't simply won't. 

All photos are taken official from Stock Xchng. 

The One with the Dreary Tales Part 1

Thanks to those who voted on my side panel about what you want to read about. Because a few people asked for it, fine, fine, I'll give you a peek into my love life (or lack thereof). These will be random musing because, I am technically, not allowed to write about love since I don't feel that for anyone or anything at this point. 

Disclaimer: This is a post about love. Yes, love. How I see it now, how I used to see it and all that ballyhoo. If you're not the type to read about something this cheesy and loving, go ahead and skip through and just read this... Link

When I was a little girl, I was read fairy tales before I went to sleep. It was narrated how Cinderella, in her patience and grace, came to snag Prince Charming. I marveled at how Snow White's sheer beauty was enough to stop a hot guy in his tracks and kiss her, despite the creep factor (remember the Enchanted Forest?!) and 7 stocky dwarfs, because he simply can't resist. I was amazed at how Rapunzel's hope was enough to give her strength to wait for her Batman (and I call him Batman cos he used her hair as his utility belt). Finally, Beauty was so kind and loving to Beast, no matter how monstrous he was, that she was able to change him from jerk to McDreamy in a snap. 

They tend to live happily ever after. 

Those fairy tales made sense. It was a girl, a princess or a commoner, whose heart was golden and had purity, grace and honesty weaved into their characters. She always "meets" a prince, whether by accident, by luck or just plain fate. It was like it was written in their destinies. It was bewildering how they'd find their princes cos they lived in far away lands! Why would anyone want to gallop into the wilderness, only to find love?

Men have supposedly ridden into the sunset while dreaming of their fair maidens. 

So, maybe I'm not beautiful, pure and golden-hearted enough to warrant a man? Sometimes, I really think that way. I mean, it's not as if I have a committed and loving man by my side, eagerly awaiting until I come home to ask me for dinner or lunch. Sometimes, I wonder if it's also the reason why my first serious relationship didn't pan out. Was I not good enough, was I too much to handle, was I unfair or unjust? It's too much of an anxiety for me to even figure it out.

Was I the bad, rotten apple of his life? 

A good friend once told me that whatever it was that happened with me and the ex, it was better left to the past. Primarily because he won't have anything to do with me anyhow. If I died today, he probably won't even flinch because he already made his decision and if he ever says he cares, it's not true. He is only guilty when he reaches out and to "kill the guilt", he needs to know I'm alright and happy. Sometimes, I think what he says is true. He makes sense so much that it makes me wonder why I even try sometimes to make my ex feel comfortable about a friendship. The truth of the matter is, I think I may have feelings for him still. No one gets rid of that easily. If you loved someone for 5 years, believed you'd be married to that person and built rainbows and butterflies around a dream that involved the two of you, there's no way you can just wake up one morning and tell yourself, 'ahhh, it's over'. I admit, it still breaks my heart to know he has someone new, someone better perhaps, someone that he will take a bullet for, over me but I have to be happy for him, cos that person may be the key to his happiness.

All the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the little princess' heart back together again... 

This made me believe that the fairy tale is over. The fairy tale that never began was over before I knew it. No unicorns, no dwarfs, no nymphs, no rainbows, no magic spells, no enchanted forests, no loving kisses and more importantly, no prince charming.

Another friend told me that "My prince charming has already been run over in a highway or freeway somewhere, along with his white horse..." That sucks. 

And when you think friends can console you, that just made it a little worse for me (no offense meant to my friends)... People think that after a break-up, you're supposed to enjoy and live life and party like crazy. I did that. I would be high on times when I was dancing, living it up, eating with friends, drinking like crazy and then when you come home, you crash. You remember. You get reminded of the tears and the apologies and you bawl in one corner of your room, hoping no one in your family can hear you and think to yourself, oh God, what kind of concealer and eye drop would I be using this time? What was so hard for me to do was to show them any sort of emotion. It was sad because I kept myself from crying in front of them. It wasn't their fault, nor was it something they imposed on me, but I felt like I couldn't put them through so much. They have been with me with every fight, every argument I've ever had with my ex. I felt like bringing them there, to a point of sheer destruction, being left alone, being left in the altar, being abandoned was just unfair. Friends were there, not knowing I had eye drops and concealer every time I'd leave my room, not knowing I cried every night, for 30 minutes in one corner of my room, praying to God to take me or take my pain away. I hid it from my family as well, because in their opinion, I was lucky. God protected me from a possible hurtful and painful experience.

No more of these... 

Fast forward almost a year since he first broke up with me, there are still feelings and I'm not going to lie about. The pain isn't as strong. God kept His end of the bargain cos He hasn't taken me yet. I won't wake up in the middle of the night crying and I won't come home baffling my cab driver cos I've been crying in the cab... I would be okay. I functioned well and I am still learning everyday. Every day, I take as a challenge. As I come home, I find something to do. I accept jobs for graphic design, I talk with friends, I watch TV, I read a book, I blog, I subscribe to silly feeds over the net, I do something... anything to keep my mind off him and what might have been. Does it help? A little. A little at a time. One bit at a time. I guess that's how you get back on your feet. You don't stand up after a fall, you slowly and gradually get back on your feet, cos the second tumble will hurt more.

Trying to recover from the pain isn't easy. 

Do I still love him? Yes. Do I do something to get him back? No. Do I want him back? I don't know. 

People come and go, that's what fairy tales fail to tell you. They teach you lessons, they show you what's right from wrong, and enables you to form an ideal in your head. It allows you to dream. It gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling inside and tells you to go for things. It never teaches you how to deal with a broken heart or how to cope when no man comes and sweeps you off your feet. It never teaches you what to do with pain or hurt or disappointment.

But it teaches you hope... and someday, my fairy tale will be told. I don't doubt it for one minute.

No photographers were harmed during the making of this post. All pictures are linked and obtained legally from Stock Xchng.