The One with the 20-20 Retrospective Vision

Wow, I stopped in August and I totally have myself to blame for this little oversight in my schedule.

After I turned 30, so much has happened. 

Funny picture of a lady stopped short near a car... I'm nowhere near this hot. 

1. I have just taken on so much more projects at work 

Never tried chewing a pen this way, but perhaps I should. 

2. I helped a few friends get a design job - yay for me! 

Totally could have picked more feminine shoes but what the hey... :) 

3. I have met someone... yes... met someone 

Not us, but could be us... :) 

4. I traveled 

Thailand, baby!

5. I signed up for my Masters degree. 

Guess what, ma! I need some tuition!

Yes, I am quite an overachiever. By far, it's been one weird show after another. My life can be considered one heck of a cool sitcom now. I have been enjoying the company of friends, been experiencing new things and totally digging the fact that I am learning so much about myself and my environment now. 

I could say that not updating my blog was not really a plus, however, of the very few, selected people that read this blog, there are so much more experiences that I wish I could actually write about and share with the world - not because it feels amazing but because I feel like people who are going through the same thing would have something to relate to. 

They always say that in retrospect, things are always in 20-20. So here's what I learned by far...

Clearer, baby! 

1. I wanted to be with someone so badly. 

Yes, after my last relationship ended, I wanted so badly to be with someone. It didn't matter who it was, it could have been some weird rebound relationship, it would have given me someone to love and someone to love me back and intimacy (read: not physical) was what I needed. I felt like my ex was never completely open and intimate with me (because of the lack of time spent and everything in between) and so I was constantly needing to validate myself through another man's eyes. 

It's hard to always be part of someone's schedule. 

2. I never enjoyed what I had. 

I have a loving and wonderful family. My friends - I couldn't ask for more. These people know me and would spew truth from mouths over a bitch brew. I had and have a great job. It's like life really equipped me for what I consider to be a great fall. It's like what my friend would always say, you never get it all. The theory is if you find a great job, your love life will be a total decimated mess. She's right. So, enjoy the mess, make mistakes, sleep around (this I haven't really followed yet) and find who you are. 

Ahh... haven't had a "glow" for a while. Lolz! 

3. I was always chasing one high after another and I never stopped to smell the roses well enough to enjoy the next chase.

I think it's pretty self-explanatory, when there's no one to push you to be "better", you push yourself to be better and yet, it never felt like something I would do cos I always chased after what is something people would be after - a better job, a faster and sexier life, a handsome man and a delicious car to boot (Jaguar). I don't even drive! :) So what's the lesson? Back to basics. Pray (if you believe in a God), love (be with family and friends) and live it up (sign up for a class and damned it, baby, there's no need to date around if you don't believe it). 

Everything is a hurdle cos you are so set on the finish line. Sometimes, it's cool to just walk around and ignore the people, places and things around you and just figure out what you want. 

4. I don't want to be anything other than me. 

Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone who told me that everything changes. Evolution is the essence of life. So when men want to sleep with you before they decide whether they like you or not, when men decide to leave you because they can't get everything they need from you, when bosses yell and scream at you because you can't perform the way they want you to, when school pushes you to be a half-beaten zombie at the end of the day because you friggin' asked for it, b*tch, and when friends don't spend time with you because they're married, with children or in a relationship, you have to go with it. It just dawned on me after the conversation that I don't want to sleep with men to figure out if I like them, I refuse to believe that love is dead and can't compromise, I will do my homework when I can and I'm awake and to hell with what everyone thinks in a coffee shop cos I'm alone and drowning in paper and books, I am not going to sit down and be yelled at by my boss cos he/she is simply having a bad day and I will do my best to spend time with friends, even if it means babysitting or enduring a long, winded conversation about motorcycles with their respective boyfriends or the latest Prada collection with their girlfriends, no matter how much you want to shoot yourself after. I am me. I don't have anyone else to love me and to change me just because circumstances tell me to. 

All in, baby! 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to read through some of my school stuff. :)

All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng, my leading provider of stock photos.
Thailand pictures taken with an Nokia N8 phone camera. 

The One with the Writer's Block and Biological Clocks

When I get home from a long day, the only thing I can think of is to rest and watch some TV. I rarely visit my blog now and provide my insights to the world. I can't imagine not being able to rest my head against a few of my fluffy pillows while I get one and hugs it to pieces!

Not the actual pillows I have on my bed but fluffy enough for me to dream about them. 

I would like to believe that this is because I have been pouring my heart out at work and because the stress overwhelms me. I don't think it's true though. I like my job - it's light, non-overwhelming, unemotional and somewhat rewarding. I do a lot of deskwork though, which means using words all the time and lately, I've been experiencing what people would call a writers' block.

Oh don't get me wrong, it's not like I've ran out of words in my head, it's just that I have ran out of the drive to place it in an HTML pad and place pretty pictures I downloaded off Stock Xchng. I even find myself not returning some emails from friends, which I am deeply, truly sorry about. I usually email one liners, like "I got it", or "Sure". I've lost the "You can do it, I believe in you" chutzpah I seem to exude so people SMS/Email/Private Message me every so often.

Yeah, even my BDJ hasn't been updated much. 

I could run through 10,000 things at once at one time in my life. The other day, my immediate manager sat me down and asked me about my WINs (Wants, Interests, Needs). It was probably the most difficult thing he ever did. I am guessing he has never come across anyone that doesn't really want anything. I feel burned out but I don't have a reason to be burned out. I like my job and if I can continue simply doing my job, without anyone bothering me, I would be pretty happy. Somewhat though, a part of me is craving something and I don't even know what it is. It could be activity, excitement, some weird form of drug maybe, I don't know, but I know for a fact that it contributes to me lessening my online presence and my thought process.

I have always liked activity with people I care about. Lately, I have been somewhat closer to moms - my friends Aileen and Cym, both of which are amazing and wonderful mothers. They believe in different things and yet, their kids turn out pretty okay. I feel my body doing weird, crazy things. I know for a fact that I will never be pregnant. Well, not now when I'm very single and I really don't have any intentions of sleeping around. There's something in me that wants a child. Half of me wants it, half of me doesn't. I feel like at this point, I have a lot of maternal energy and I don't know who to give it to. I know that sounds weird and probably crazy to a lot of people, but feelings, hormones, demons, they're all inside, pushing me to be a mom.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna be this hot when I become preggers, but we never know, right?

If men are allowed to have quarter-life and mid-life crises where they bang every girl they see and buy a Lexus, then I'm pretty sure, this is somewhat the female equivalent. A woman kind of needs a child - that's supposedly the essence of being a woman - to carry a  child to term and give life. I know no one sees me as that - I've been too acrid, sarcastic and even a terror to work with. Maybe, even to have a relationship with. But this time, I'm just desperately needing a child and it affects me as whole. Maybe even my supposed writer's block.

Whatever this is, it's something I feel. I'm glad I'm not experiencing any physical manifestations of it (I'm not experiencing pseudocyesis). Maybe a little bit of me has given up on finding love and finding that one amaizng family which I will someday belong to. One thing I know is that I feel like I'm losing time.

Not gonna happen, which sucks. 

And losing opportunities.

Rationally speaking of course, I am severely sure that it's an Anthropological aching for a child. Women, back in the Cave Men era, were homemakers, they were the ones taking care of the young. And this is evidenced in most biological ecosystems. I know women don't need an alpha-male to mate, they just need a mate. In a Physiological sense, I am kind of sick, the hormones can and will affect the way I see my life. In a Psychological sense, maybe I am just crazy.

Ultimately, if your clock starts ticking, will your block keep hindering?

All photographs were taken legally from Stock Xchng. 

The One with my Godson

Have you been a really, really good godparent? It's common in the Philippines to ask classmates, friends and even colleagues to become a godparent. You should never refuse if you get asked, lest you be cursed by the ancient ancestors of the land. Because I don't claim citizenship of the world, and I always proudly state that I am born and bred Filipino, I will always abide by its laws, written or otherwise.

But being a godmom to Xander is a joy. Last Saturday, I really wanted to spend time with Aileen, Yogi and Xander.

Had lunch at Mango Bistro in Trinoma. 

Had Pad Thai - amazing fusion of flavors! 

Had some chicken stir fried and wrapped in banana leaves. It had a sweet and spicy sauce. 

It was a fun day of catching up, venting about things we shouldn't vent about but we do still, sharing of experiences, realizations and even the weirdest things that happen to us. It was like old times, when we would hang out after work and make Starbucks a more powerful conglomerate by purchasing an Americano, an Apple Berry Juice Freeze and an Iced Latte with side orders of cheesecakes, breakfast muffins, ciabatta veggie sandwiches and some fish in foccacia.

The main event was when we got to Aileen's house. Seeing Xander lying down is just a joy.

So cute even when he's crying! 

So adorable. Xander looking at Uncle Aldrin. 

That's got to be one of the cutest, hottest and most amazing-looking boy on earth! High five, Aileen and Arnel! 

I got to hold him for some time. I lasted all of 5 minutes cos he started crying. I'm still scared when I hear something weird, like a whimper, a wheeze, a burp... I am not ready to be a mother.

But nothing is more beautiful than seeing a mother hold her child.

All pictures are taken with a simple Sony Cybershot. I'm a point and shoot gal until I can afford a DSLR. 
No babies were harmed during the making of this post, except my probable ones thanks to coffee and nicotine. 

The One with the Fairytales

Something I wrote in November 13, 2008. Edited and annotated for everyone's sake. 

I will never let my children read fairy tales - ever! Especially when I have a daughter...

We all love tiaras but it ain't worth it. 

See, one of the things that fairy tales taught me was to hope for a prince in his shining silver armor, in his white horse to come and rescue me from everything that I am in. It seems that every woman in my age group still has that notion that someday, their princes will come. 

Somehow, it's not good for the female psyche. It sucks that while most women have the ability to run Fortune 500 companies, or have the ability to perform as a hyphenate, they still have the notion that marriage is the finality of the race - IE: the finish line.

I saw my Tita the other day, and she stayed over for breakfast (french toast, wieners and fruit, thank you very much...), she asked me about my "marriage plans". I said I have a boyfriend and that we're very happy to which she prodded, "What, ayaw niya matali sa yo?" (Literal translation: "What, he doesn't want to be tied to you?")

The problem with "well-meaning relatives" is that they have the ability to make you feel less deserving than when you first started dating. When I was 24, I was being asked for a boyfriend. Now that I am 27, I am being asked for a husband. It's like no one wants to talk about how I single-handedly organized the training department of a young company and how I made sure that the training evaluation program was set in place. No one wants to talk about how I got off a car accident alive last year. No one wants to talk about how smooth my skin is thanks to the new Clean and Clear Refreshing Wash I use which is a steal at only Php 119.00. Everyone - well-meaning relatives or not, want to talk about how important marriage is, like I'll never get my happily ever after if I don't get married soon.

**meg**: I'm now almost 30, and I'm still asked the same damned question. Imagine that! Saying we broke up and that I got dumped never gets them to back off... 

I smiled halfway through my delicious french toast (made with skimmed milk - thanks to how anal I am when it comes to cooking healthier food for my folks), and sat there - perplexed. I gave her the envelope she needed and proceeded to the dirty kitchen to smoke one good stick of cigarette.

While Cinderella might have been a non-smoker, the tar and coal and everything in that fireplace might have given her enough high for the days when she had to clean the fireplace. I thought about what my aunt said. And thought about why my boyfriend doesn't want to marry me. It's just not time yet. I totally get that. It sucks because I see the logic in this whole waiting game. I just don't understand why sometimes, I'm gripped with fear that he will march off and leave.

Yes, no one actually did this for me. 

Somehow, I get the idea. I understand that I'm not Rapunzel with the long hair, I'm not Snow White with the seven dwarves. I'm no Cinderella either. I'm just not a princess, and I'm not looking for a prince. I'm just a simple woman, who wants a simple man. But indeed, life is complicated. There's no happily ever after. There's work to be done after a relatonship comes alive - and you really have to do everything to make it happen.

**meg**: Yes, well, everything in its own time. 


Note: No photographers were harmed intellectually during the making of this post. Pictures that were not taken by **meg** were obtained legally from Stock Xchng. 

Candy is a blog author herself. Read riveting revelations about Candy on her blog.