The One with the 20-20 Retrospective Vision

Wow, I stopped in August and I totally have myself to blame for this little oversight in my schedule.

After I turned 30, so much has happened. 

Funny picture of a lady stopped short near a car... I'm nowhere near this hot. 

1. I have just taken on so much more projects at work 

Never tried chewing a pen this way, but perhaps I should. 

2. I helped a few friends get a design job - yay for me! 

Totally could have picked more feminine shoes but what the hey... :) 

3. I have met someone... yes... met someone 

Not us, but could be us... :) 

4. I traveled 

Thailand, baby!

5. I signed up for my Masters degree. 

Guess what, ma! I need some tuition!

Yes, I am quite an overachiever. By far, it's been one weird show after another. My life can be considered one heck of a cool sitcom now. I have been enjoying the company of friends, been experiencing new things and totally digging the fact that I am learning so much about myself and my environment now. 

I could say that not updating my blog was not really a plus, however, of the very few, selected people that read this blog, there are so much more experiences that I wish I could actually write about and share with the world - not because it feels amazing but because I feel like people who are going through the same thing would have something to relate to. 

They always say that in retrospect, things are always in 20-20. So here's what I learned by far...

Clearer, baby! 

1. I wanted to be with someone so badly. 

Yes, after my last relationship ended, I wanted so badly to be with someone. It didn't matter who it was, it could have been some weird rebound relationship, it would have given me someone to love and someone to love me back and intimacy (read: not physical) was what I needed. I felt like my ex was never completely open and intimate with me (because of the lack of time spent and everything in between) and so I was constantly needing to validate myself through another man's eyes. 

It's hard to always be part of someone's schedule. 

2. I never enjoyed what I had. 

I have a loving and wonderful family. My friends - I couldn't ask for more. These people know me and would spew truth from mouths over a bitch brew. I had and have a great job. It's like life really equipped me for what I consider to be a great fall. It's like what my friend would always say, you never get it all. The theory is if you find a great job, your love life will be a total decimated mess. She's right. So, enjoy the mess, make mistakes, sleep around (this I haven't really followed yet) and find who you are. 

Ahh... haven't had a "glow" for a while. Lolz! 

3. I was always chasing one high after another and I never stopped to smell the roses well enough to enjoy the next chase.

I think it's pretty self-explanatory, when there's no one to push you to be "better", you push yourself to be better and yet, it never felt like something I would do cos I always chased after what is something people would be after - a better job, a faster and sexier life, a handsome man and a delicious car to boot (Jaguar). I don't even drive! :) So what's the lesson? Back to basics. Pray (if you believe in a God), love (be with family and friends) and live it up (sign up for a class and damned it, baby, there's no need to date around if you don't believe it). 

Everything is a hurdle cos you are so set on the finish line. Sometimes, it's cool to just walk around and ignore the people, places and things around you and just figure out what you want. 

4. I don't want to be anything other than me. 

Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone who told me that everything changes. Evolution is the essence of life. So when men want to sleep with you before they decide whether they like you or not, when men decide to leave you because they can't get everything they need from you, when bosses yell and scream at you because you can't perform the way they want you to, when school pushes you to be a half-beaten zombie at the end of the day because you friggin' asked for it, b*tch, and when friends don't spend time with you because they're married, with children or in a relationship, you have to go with it. It just dawned on me after the conversation that I don't want to sleep with men to figure out if I like them, I refuse to believe that love is dead and can't compromise, I will do my homework when I can and I'm awake and to hell with what everyone thinks in a coffee shop cos I'm alone and drowning in paper and books, I am not going to sit down and be yelled at by my boss cos he/she is simply having a bad day and I will do my best to spend time with friends, even if it means babysitting or enduring a long, winded conversation about motorcycles with their respective boyfriends or the latest Prada collection with their girlfriends, no matter how much you want to shoot yourself after. I am me. I don't have anyone else to love me and to change me just because circumstances tell me to. 

All in, baby! 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to read through some of my school stuff. :)

All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng, my leading provider of stock photos.
Thailand pictures taken with an Nokia N8 phone camera. 

The One with God and the Multi-level Manager

A couple of years back. I was a Training and Development Coordinator before, in Merlin. I used to handle several sites - Hungary, UK and the Philippines. Think that it's a Training and Development Manager post, except that the company calls it something else for purposes of taxation, semantics (cos they're Brit) and the whole thought of we're not a call centre hence we're not gonna call everyone a manager mindset. (Thanks to James for clearing that up!)

Apparently, I should have had a PDA. They just gave me a laptop and I had to lug it around for hours to get to the office! Hahaha! 

In Hungary, where there is an entire floor in a building dedicated to the company, there are so much more employees. Handling training for soft skills, communications and other specifics was simply harder to accomplish remotely and at the same time, it was just hard to follow-up.

In the UK, because it's corporate, it's easier. The personnel are great to get along with and they often just need some systems training, where one SME (subject matter expert) is already in the site and it's mere coordination that needs to be set in motion.

In the Philippines, it was a whole lot easier. Everyone can see you, everyone "respects" you to a certain extent and it's easier to reach out. People are commonly more agreeable cos they know you're working hard on something and your intention is to get everyone trained on a specific topic, even if it means taking an hour-long call from the NASA affiliate of the account you're handling (which means extending your shift until 5 in the morning even though it's agreed that you only work until 2AM).

Getting people to follow your training requires some weird talent - it involves food, some warm coffee and a lot of stand-up acts that you should have mastered by the time you're almost 30! 

Earlier today, I had dinner with a trusted friend. He sat down with me and told me how he abhors (notice how I skipped the use of the word hate cos it just doesn't give me the same intensity as "abhor") it when some "evangelists" tell you you're wrong and condemns you to turn you to their religion. He spoke of a time when he felt like he was being crucified for doing something wrong, as a former classmate of ours would come to his house and would try to get him to attend a church he belonged to. They stopped talking after my friend said "I'm not saying no to God, I'm saying no to you...". I guess the extremist church dude took the Bible verse "...do not yoke with unbelievers" seriously. 

Who could say no to that face? Maybe evangelists should utilize cherub-like  images before they "preach". They'd get better responses. 

I came to think about my own experiences in religion. I have had friends who would gently prod, others would guilt you into going to their churches, others would surprise you (as in you feel trapped, you're in someone's "party", and in the middle of the hip LL Cool J song, they whip out their Bibles and the pool is already prepped for your "baptism") and others would simply back-off when you say you're busy. Those whom I'm still friends with are those who showed genuine concern. Those who may have failed but still show their care, would pray for me, would accompany me on a bad day or simply go shopping and not quite talk about their faith. I've been approached by all types of religions - Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism and Christianity. All types of faiths, leading me to believe sometimes that I can just wait until some cult comes up to me and say "The Sunshine State of Mind is the way to go..." and I'd just finally give up and say "Sure, why not?!". I figured there are really those that force and condemn and criticize, without taking someone's side on anything. They judge and cast stones. If you've ever been approached by people who tell you that your faith is wrong, you're wrong or the way you live your life is wrong, then you know what I mean. They congregate as a group and collectively point their fingers at you, choosing to say "You're wrong", instead of "This is what's right in my eyes, or in God's eyes...". 

Judge me. I'm a sinner. 

In most cases, eager and overzealous evangelists become the judge,jury and executioner. I'm familiar with the drill. Corner someone and say he or she is wrong. He/she is a sinner. He/she is a bad person. Guess what, everyone is a sinner. Supposedly, according to the Bible, "everyone has sinned and fallen short of God's glory". There's no need to condemn anyone because "the wages of sin is death" and I will skip stating which part of the Bible it is. The main idea is God has always tried to reach out, to coordinate, to hold out His hands and try to get people to see His point of view. Preachers tend to point their fingers at you and say "You're the worst person on earth"... They follow up their church and what their doctrines are and it scares the heck out of you because you're not a judgmental person and you simply hope not to be judged by anyone. 

I read it once. Not enough to quote it like a lawyer but hey, enough to know God loves me. 

They always say that God is a jealous, spiteful, avenging God. He is a God that punishes and whatever bad thing that happens to you is your punishment. Flu? You didn't read the Bible yesterday! Leprosy? That's cos you cheated off your 2nd-grade classmate back then. AIDS? Homosexual abomination! You deserve that! Famine and strife? Your country is heathen and hedonistic and you've displeased God! I sincerely don't doubt that there are people out there who tend to cast stones because of self-righteousness. Guess what, it makes sense to me. Scare someone sh*tless and you tend to make them want to seek out the one thing that would hold them together. But isn't this a cult tactic? Isn't this what the Manson Family (Charles, not Marilyn) did? Isn't this what the late great cultist Jim Jones did in Jonestown, Guyana? Fear - fear of failing, fear of humiliation, fear of rejection - aren't those their tools? These men - great minds, amazing followship (and I don't call it fellowship because it might offend some people) was because they were bullies. They coerce people to follow, coerce people to belong and thus, people tend to. They make a stand, and they force people into accepting their words as gospel truth because they have a congregation that says "amen" to what they say, because they have a group that can "excommunicate" you when you choose not to follow and they have the machinery of God's word - thousands of Bible verses to prove to you, to the congregation and the rest of the world that YOU ARE WRONG! 

Still a cute girl. Seriously,preachers, get a little girl to do this... 

Guess what, no one wants to hear they're wrong. 

I was asked by my trusted friend what I think God is like. He laughed when I said "God is like a really good omnipresent and omniscient multi-level manager in a corporation" (Sounds like something I'd say, right? Blasphemous and challenging.). He is an excellent manager of people and a manager of systems. When God needs something communicated, He tends to look into a person's psyche first. Figures out what works best then goes with it and runs with it. Different strokes for different folks. I think God figured out a long time ago that bullying doesn't work (Those Inquisitions never did Christianity any good, did it?) and tolerance, instead of condemnation, is key. God doesn't sit down and tell other people in the department to give sanctions to people for mere omissions or commissions (Christian term which means omitted acts - like reading the Bible, praying, paying your tithes, etc and committed acts - lying, cheating, coveting someone's wife, etc), rather He weighs his options. He has a Performance Appraisal for everyone and knows what each one did to merit an Exceeds Expectations rating, or Fully Successful or even Needs Improvement. He listens in on calls, knows your metrics, bases your performance on that rather than something subjective like how well you participate in meetings or how friendly you were to the staff. God works in mysterious ways too, He doesn't need a major breakthrough so He'd give you a kudos, He knows what you did and He will pat your back when you deserve it. God also sits you down and tells you you've been late for a couple of times, and what the hell is wrong with you or tells you your metrics have dipped, and works with you on how you can make it easier to target those metrics. God isn't a micro-manager. He tells you what He wants done and sets your expectations clearly and tries to get out of your way so you can work your mojo. Ultimately, God knows how to communicate to you. There's no need for flaming swords or the vision of Eden or tears of blood and gold to show you how much He cares. At the end of the day, God is an excellent multi-level manager. 

God has a freakishly large calendar to pencil in talking to his people!

Managing sites, getting people's buy in, finding common things to talk about, not bullying anyone... If I was as good as God (please don't consider this blasphemy, you can dream right?), I would have done that. I would have lessened the administrative tasks and I would have given my all to talk to people and make them want the training, make them want to learn, push them to make the best decisions of their careers and not coerce them into making decisions based on fear or bullying tactics.If you're going to minister to me, trust me. I'm going to need you to talk to me the way most managers do, with patience, tolerance and finally, with understanding. There's no need for an Inquisition when you're not ready for a war. 

No photographers were harmed intellectually during the making of this post. All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng.

The One with the Dreary Tales Part 1

Thanks to those who voted on my side panel about what you want to read about. Because a few people asked for it, fine, fine, I'll give you a peek into my love life (or lack thereof). These will be random musing because, I am technically, not allowed to write about love since I don't feel that for anyone or anything at this point. 

Disclaimer: This is a post about love. Yes, love. How I see it now, how I used to see it and all that ballyhoo. If you're not the type to read about something this cheesy and loving, go ahead and skip through and just read this... Link

When I was a little girl, I was read fairy tales before I went to sleep. It was narrated how Cinderella, in her patience and grace, came to snag Prince Charming. I marveled at how Snow White's sheer beauty was enough to stop a hot guy in his tracks and kiss her, despite the creep factor (remember the Enchanted Forest?!) and 7 stocky dwarfs, because he simply can't resist. I was amazed at how Rapunzel's hope was enough to give her strength to wait for her Batman (and I call him Batman cos he used her hair as his utility belt). Finally, Beauty was so kind and loving to Beast, no matter how monstrous he was, that she was able to change him from jerk to McDreamy in a snap. 

They tend to live happily ever after. 

Those fairy tales made sense. It was a girl, a princess or a commoner, whose heart was golden and had purity, grace and honesty weaved into their characters. She always "meets" a prince, whether by accident, by luck or just plain fate. It was like it was written in their destinies. It was bewildering how they'd find their princes cos they lived in far away lands! Why would anyone want to gallop into the wilderness, only to find love?

Men have supposedly ridden into the sunset while dreaming of their fair maidens. 

So, maybe I'm not beautiful, pure and golden-hearted enough to warrant a man? Sometimes, I really think that way. I mean, it's not as if I have a committed and loving man by my side, eagerly awaiting until I come home to ask me for dinner or lunch. Sometimes, I wonder if it's also the reason why my first serious relationship didn't pan out. Was I not good enough, was I too much to handle, was I unfair or unjust? It's too much of an anxiety for me to even figure it out.

Was I the bad, rotten apple of his life? 

A good friend once told me that whatever it was that happened with me and the ex, it was better left to the past. Primarily because he won't have anything to do with me anyhow. If I died today, he probably won't even flinch because he already made his decision and if he ever says he cares, it's not true. He is only guilty when he reaches out and to "kill the guilt", he needs to know I'm alright and happy. Sometimes, I think what he says is true. He makes sense so much that it makes me wonder why I even try sometimes to make my ex feel comfortable about a friendship. The truth of the matter is, I think I may have feelings for him still. No one gets rid of that easily. If you loved someone for 5 years, believed you'd be married to that person and built rainbows and butterflies around a dream that involved the two of you, there's no way you can just wake up one morning and tell yourself, 'ahhh, it's over'. I admit, it still breaks my heart to know he has someone new, someone better perhaps, someone that he will take a bullet for, over me but I have to be happy for him, cos that person may be the key to his happiness.

All the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the little princess' heart back together again... 

This made me believe that the fairy tale is over. The fairy tale that never began was over before I knew it. No unicorns, no dwarfs, no nymphs, no rainbows, no magic spells, no enchanted forests, no loving kisses and more importantly, no prince charming.

Another friend told me that "My prince charming has already been run over in a highway or freeway somewhere, along with his white horse..." That sucks. 

And when you think friends can console you, that just made it a little worse for me (no offense meant to my friends)... People think that after a break-up, you're supposed to enjoy and live life and party like crazy. I did that. I would be high on times when I was dancing, living it up, eating with friends, drinking like crazy and then when you come home, you crash. You remember. You get reminded of the tears and the apologies and you bawl in one corner of your room, hoping no one in your family can hear you and think to yourself, oh God, what kind of concealer and eye drop would I be using this time? What was so hard for me to do was to show them any sort of emotion. It was sad because I kept myself from crying in front of them. It wasn't their fault, nor was it something they imposed on me, but I felt like I couldn't put them through so much. They have been with me with every fight, every argument I've ever had with my ex. I felt like bringing them there, to a point of sheer destruction, being left alone, being left in the altar, being abandoned was just unfair. Friends were there, not knowing I had eye drops and concealer every time I'd leave my room, not knowing I cried every night, for 30 minutes in one corner of my room, praying to God to take me or take my pain away. I hid it from my family as well, because in their opinion, I was lucky. God protected me from a possible hurtful and painful experience.

No more of these... 

Fast forward almost a year since he first broke up with me, there are still feelings and I'm not going to lie about. The pain isn't as strong. God kept His end of the bargain cos He hasn't taken me yet. I won't wake up in the middle of the night crying and I won't come home baffling my cab driver cos I've been crying in the cab... I would be okay. I functioned well and I am still learning everyday. Every day, I take as a challenge. As I come home, I find something to do. I accept jobs for graphic design, I talk with friends, I watch TV, I read a book, I blog, I subscribe to silly feeds over the net, I do something... anything to keep my mind off him and what might have been. Does it help? A little. A little at a time. One bit at a time. I guess that's how you get back on your feet. You don't stand up after a fall, you slowly and gradually get back on your feet, cos the second tumble will hurt more.

Trying to recover from the pain isn't easy. 

Do I still love him? Yes. Do I do something to get him back? No. Do I want him back? I don't know. 

People come and go, that's what fairy tales fail to tell you. They teach you lessons, they show you what's right from wrong, and enables you to form an ideal in your head. It allows you to dream. It gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling inside and tells you to go for things. It never teaches you how to deal with a broken heart or how to cope when no man comes and sweeps you off your feet. It never teaches you what to do with pain or hurt or disappointment.

But it teaches you hope... and someday, my fairy tale will be told. I don't doubt it for one minute.

No photographers were harmed during the making of this post. All pictures are linked and obtained legally from Stock Xchng. 

The One with the Hiatus

Sometimes, when you share a lot of your life online, you tend to forget what that life is about. For someone as private as I am, sometimes, it's hard to find things that you can share.

In this digital age, you kind of need a few days to think through what you want to accomplish. Because there is so much happening in the world, you tend to think of the future casually and documentation becomes only a second priority in your life.

There's a stop sign somewhere when you need to breathe. 

That's what I realized while I was on blogging hiatus. I didn't really quite force myself. I did get busy for the last week, running errands, doing things that I wanted without thinking of how I am going to tell that story to people.

I was on sick leave last night too. I have been doing too much too soon and I just didn't realize how it would affect my daily cognitive functions - functions I value a lot in my work.

So yes, sometimes, believe it or not, it's okay to hit the stop button once in a while. Maybe when you hit start again, things will go faster, smoother and way, way more interesting.

Booting up in a couple of mins... System downloading... 

No photographers were harmed intellectually during the making of this post. All pictures were obtained legally and safely via Stock Xchng.