The One with the Test Post

So I have been pretty neglectful of this blog. It has been a while since I last visited and/or posted anything. I downloaded an app to allow me to use this ala-Twitter and always connect with my readers.

So following my former blog posts. I became my team's manager. Pretty unrelenting coincidences of redundiations, resignations and lack of patience to hire someone qualified to run a team made me responsible not only for the design part, but also managing the LMS guy. I think the shift I'm experiencing is based on work.

The One with the Hesitant Hero

I am celebrating big time! I just finished the amazingly long, tiring and severely mind-numbing finals exam of my life. It was a looooong exam. I started at around 9, took a break at 12NN and then went back for another round of exam which I finished by around 5PM. It was 6 pages per exam. The first round was for Human Resources Management, then the next was for my major, Development Communication. 

I didn't look half as good as this lady did. Barista in Starbucks even asked me why I looked tired. 

In lieu of a Mojito, I finally realized that I didn't really need any kind of relaxation. I'm bored as heck and I just switched on my radio and decided to listen to really old songs (kids, look up Karen Carpenter, El DeBarge Jordan Hill and Tracy Chapman). Yes, way back when, Katy Perry and Selena Gomez didn't dominate the charts, it was these people that produced cool, calming music and I decided that it was too lazy a Sunday not to trip. 

If I only lived in the province, it's time for a nap under the tree. 

So while listening to Annie Lennox belt out her own rendition of "Whiter Shade of Pale", I realized I was not enjoying being idle today. I wanted to go out of the house, and watching TV today didn't really cut it for me. I was so rearing to just get my hands on something, anything to stop me from pacing around and smoking. 

In my finals, my professor asked us about a CNN Hero of the Year project proposal. The premise was that we were all in the running to become the CNN Hero of the Year. And we all had our thrusts, or specializations. Some people chose environmental causes, some thought of recycling... Mine was extending literacy access to Out-of-School Youths who want to finish school. This would in part increase lieracy percentage in the country, which means greater economic growth. Write a news story, a features story, an abstract, a radio script and draw a poster. It was such a tedious exam that it left my left and right hand with a cramp. (Did I ever tell you guys that I can draw with my left hand? Hahaha!) So anyhow, the news story was not easy. It was the first question and while I did some journalism work when I was younger, news just doesn't come easy for me. So it started with "CNN Hero of the Year awardee Meg..." and it felt so awkward writing the next few sentences. Not because I didn't know what to make of it but because it started with me being a hero. 

Would have been easier if I mutated into someone like Super Girl. 

And here I was, stuck with the thought. Who wants to step up to be a hero? It's so much work! It's so much responsibility! I was just happy being a normal Instructional Designer. I mean, who wants to save the world?  Seriously? I mean, if I ever mutated into someone with the ability to run as fast as lightning and can lift a ton without much effort, I would keep it to myself and not tell anyone. And being CNN Hero of the Year? Why? Can't I just enjoy my bubblegum pop lifestyle and not step up and be what I'm supposed to be? You always have to step up to make things more palatable for you and other people, but what if you don't want to, because it scares you or because it makes you feel like the most awkward person on earth? What if it's not who you think you should be and you think other people with better characters can be better at it than you? I'll leave this open for now, I don't want to summarily discuss what is on my mind. The only thing I know is that sometimes, stepping up is the scariest thing to do.

My photos on this entry from Stock Xchng, my leading provider of free online photos. 

The One with the Online Dating Game

A friend asked me the other day what I want the man I will end up with to have. I looked at him and realized that I had no real answer. My entire team (God bless their hearts) have been hard-up in finding me a man to be with. For whatever reason, I don't quite know yet, but I'm thinking that they think I need to be "happy" and finding the love of my life will ease me into a more relaxed state of mind. 

Because nobody wants to work with a b*tch, perhaps? 

Apart from the fact that I have learned almost nothing about dating in the past hiatus I have given myself, because of schoolwork, office work and some other work I have been doing (Ahahaha! This mainly means sleeping and getting a fatter a$$!), I have learned that waiting is almost inevitable in my life. 

There are days of absolute horror and I will be honest about it. There are days when you know for certain that there is no one out there - no one can ever make you feel good about yourself and you become resigned to the current status quo - that love is dead and there is only you to fend for your own sanity in this cruel, malicious and vile world. Then there are days when you try. 

In fact, I tried. I joined a dating site. 

Queue romantic music here... 

(Total shameless disclaimer: I consider everyone a candidate, much like I'm the boss and you're applying for a job. And yes, I know I don't really have the right to judge people based solely on my own personal yardsticks but I presume you know I'm single, and looking for the right guy, so for a lack of a better, polictically-correct term, I will heretofore, call them candidates. And if you don't like it, you can go check out other feel-good single-girl, non-sarcastic blog posts...) 

Candidate Number 1: The Grammarian

Just for purposes of a visual representation. He's totally not this guy, but well, he didn't look like this guy either. 

Let's call him Emmett, because the name sounds so "safe" and almost noble, like a teacher. I met Emmett online and we were an instant hit. I loved the way he intelligently formed words and sent them to me with almost minimal effort. The dating site had a chat function so we were chatting immediately. We then moved on to emailing, then to SMS, then Facebook, then more and more and more SMS. What was so amazing about it was that I didn't hide anything. It's not like I can hide ALL my pictures on Facebook... and he mentioned how cute I was (despite the pictures of my heavy-set frame crowding an entire picture...) Everyday was so amazingly happy with Emmett, because he was just a joy to talk with. If I can print a transcript of our conversations, it was fluid, happy, light and for some reason, even in the advent of SMS language, we both made sure that our messages to and from were of impeccable grammar. I even joked about it... I said that impeccable grammar turns me on (cos Lord knows mine isn't, let not my previous employers in the English school find this out). Everything about Emmett was perfect - perfect on paper, perfect in messages, he had this aura about him that I found to be so noble and sweet. He was after all, a teacher (for purposes of this blog, no one will know what he really is). Until one day, the messages stopped. No more emails, chats, his Facebook account is still open and we're still friends, but his timeline seemed to have more "chicks" than well, the other kind. I sleuth around some more and realized that his Facebook account is a collection of all these beautiful women. Some younger than me, some older, some of the same age, some of the sexy type, others looking slightly average, others looking just like me. I messaged him one last time (cos you know, I don't really have an ounce of dignity left... and yes, yes, I thought we had a real connection) and nada. 

I want to say I was depressed and life stopped. Of course, it didn't. I realized Emmett had a connection with all these women. Emmett is the serial adder on Facebook who messages you, makes you feel great about yourself and then targets the next hottie he fixates on, and that's fine. That's his thing and no one really has the right to say whether it's right or wrong. It's just that the last message we exchanged was about him and how he had problems as a child and he's overcome it. Imagine knowing that much about a person yet he doesn't seem to want to know any more about you or share more about himself. Now I know for a fact that some people may have a connection with you but may not necessarily find it to be enough to formally date you. 

It took 2 weeks for me to finally decide to close this one out. I was not really shocked, it's just that normally, guys who are shallow leave you for your looks, guys who are deeper leave you because they think you're shallow, now how am I going to classify this guy? Maybe my grammar wasn't impeccable? Did I say something wrong? Did I have that one picture on Facebook that he totally can't stand? Did I push too hard? Did I say too much? Did I say too little? I guess we'll never know. 

Candidate Number 2: The Sexy Foreigner 

He sort of looks like this guy. Only you know, bigger and stronger.  :) Enjoy ladies. Lolz. 

So around the time that Emmett "came to his senses", this guy was hanging around. Let's call him Mac, short for Machiavelli. A handsome and sensual man that has come to haunt my senses and made me feel NOT like a lady. Before you jump into any weird conclusions, he is a candidate, ergo, nothing happened. For some weird reason, any Prince Charming I meet online turns out to be a real mirage. 

Mac is a mixed-breed. His father is Middle Eastern, with a mix of Greek and a little of Filipino. He speaks languages too exotic to believe. He owns his own business. He has a kick-ass car. He has his own ways and means to woo anyone he meets. He met me online, and this is because I find him too irresistible, not because of a connection, I ended up giving him my number. The funny thing is when he added me on Facebook, he saw so many mutual friends. Guess what? Mac knows my friends and my friends know Mac. 

I feel like a cougar when I speak with him because he's only 28, but obviously way more accomplished than me. Even friends who know him say that he is quite the Prince. I obviously didn't want to let on that I am thinking of dating him. I just casually asked, and said I met him somewhere. So messages came EVERY DAY for almost 2 months. Not particularly sweet messages but very consistently, he would SMS or email or something... Just to make me feel his presence I guess. Keep in mind that I had a deeper, more meaningful connection with Emmett, and I didn't really mind just replying to Mac. He had a casual way about him. Cool. Calm. Very collected... Almost nonchalant. No drama. When Emmett stopped talking to me, I realized it was time to focus on Mac. 

Focusing on Mac meant one thing - be sexy. And when I say "be sexy", I don't mean be physically sexy. Keep in mind that on Facebook, there was nothing I hid. I wanted to know if the shallowness will kick in anytime soon, and yet Mac still hung on. So being sexy meant actually replying to some of the sexy things he would tell me on SMS or email. Did I mean everything I said, uhm, maybe? But I was more curious about what he was thinking of rather than what he was saying. 

For two straight months, we were sort of into each other. There are days when he would say that he needs me and there are days when I would say I need him. Then there are days when we are both quiet because work got in the way, or for me, schoolwork too. But never was there a day that messages didn't come - sometimes, it's a "good morning" or a "had lunch" SMS, but messages came. There are times when schedule didn't allow for us to see each other because he travels a lot and there are days when we were just simply lucky. 

So before Valentines' Day, we had a lucky streak. He had some time off for lunch and my schedule allowed for us to actually have lunch - not just a smoke break or a quick line up at Starbucks and get some coffee break. He talked about his ex and how he was really hurt when she left. He talked about his work. He talked about the stress and how he's sorry that he wasn't able to spend more time with me. Then the "talk" came. Unluckily, not from me. It was an invitation for a weekend together - which technically is a night together, I realized. It honestly felt very awkward. Don't get me wrong, it felt amazing but it felt awkward. Maybe in my mind, I was still looking for the connection - the spark, the fireworks, everything... At the back of my mind, I was mentally computing times and dates, like what's to happen if he's overseas and I'm here, alone and I need to talk to him? What happens when we want to get serious? Should we tell our friends? Are we open to telling people about us? What about the age difference? I'm older and surely that's something his parents would say something about it, or worse, his friends. Are we now exclusively dating? Am I now a girlfriend? What's going on? And so I asked, as casually and as composed as I should be... "What happens after we spend that time together?" to which he replied "We'll see...". 

I'm sure he read what's on my mind. I looked awkward. I looked scared. And when he was delivering that line, he also looked awkward and scared, maybe a little bit more than I was. 

I'm not going to bore you with the next few days and what had transpired next. The main point is, sometimes, people aren't ready. I found a consistent, handsome and wonderful Prince that wasn't quite ready to move on yet. Scary part is, I realized I wasn't ready too. All the talking and the messaging and the meet-ups and the "I'm into you" moments were born of sheer fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life. 

Maybe, just maybe, the online dating game isn't for me.


All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng, my leading provider of stock photos.

The One with the 20-20 Retrospective Vision

Wow, I stopped in August and I totally have myself to blame for this little oversight in my schedule.

After I turned 30, so much has happened. 

Funny picture of a lady stopped short near a car... I'm nowhere near this hot. 

1. I have just taken on so much more projects at work 

Never tried chewing a pen this way, but perhaps I should. 

2. I helped a few friends get a design job - yay for me! 

Totally could have picked more feminine shoes but what the hey... :) 

3. I have met someone... yes... met someone 

Not us, but could be us... :) 

4. I traveled 

Thailand, baby!

5. I signed up for my Masters degree. 

Guess what, ma! I need some tuition!

Yes, I am quite an overachiever. By far, it's been one weird show after another. My life can be considered one heck of a cool sitcom now. I have been enjoying the company of friends, been experiencing new things and totally digging the fact that I am learning so much about myself and my environment now. 

I could say that not updating my blog was not really a plus, however, of the very few, selected people that read this blog, there are so much more experiences that I wish I could actually write about and share with the world - not because it feels amazing but because I feel like people who are going through the same thing would have something to relate to. 

They always say that in retrospect, things are always in 20-20. So here's what I learned by far...

Clearer, baby! 

1. I wanted to be with someone so badly. 

Yes, after my last relationship ended, I wanted so badly to be with someone. It didn't matter who it was, it could have been some weird rebound relationship, it would have given me someone to love and someone to love me back and intimacy (read: not physical) was what I needed. I felt like my ex was never completely open and intimate with me (because of the lack of time spent and everything in between) and so I was constantly needing to validate myself through another man's eyes. 

It's hard to always be part of someone's schedule. 

2. I never enjoyed what I had. 

I have a loving and wonderful family. My friends - I couldn't ask for more. These people know me and would spew truth from mouths over a bitch brew. I had and have a great job. It's like life really equipped me for what I consider to be a great fall. It's like what my friend would always say, you never get it all. The theory is if you find a great job, your love life will be a total decimated mess. She's right. So, enjoy the mess, make mistakes, sleep around (this I haven't really followed yet) and find who you are. 

Ahh... haven't had a "glow" for a while. Lolz! 

3. I was always chasing one high after another and I never stopped to smell the roses well enough to enjoy the next chase.

I think it's pretty self-explanatory, when there's no one to push you to be "better", you push yourself to be better and yet, it never felt like something I would do cos I always chased after what is something people would be after - a better job, a faster and sexier life, a handsome man and a delicious car to boot (Jaguar). I don't even drive! :) So what's the lesson? Back to basics. Pray (if you believe in a God), love (be with family and friends) and live it up (sign up for a class and damned it, baby, there's no need to date around if you don't believe it). 

Everything is a hurdle cos you are so set on the finish line. Sometimes, it's cool to just walk around and ignore the people, places and things around you and just figure out what you want. 

4. I don't want to be anything other than me. 

Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone who told me that everything changes. Evolution is the essence of life. So when men want to sleep with you before they decide whether they like you or not, when men decide to leave you because they can't get everything they need from you, when bosses yell and scream at you because you can't perform the way they want you to, when school pushes you to be a half-beaten zombie at the end of the day because you friggin' asked for it, b*tch, and when friends don't spend time with you because they're married, with children or in a relationship, you have to go with it. It just dawned on me after the conversation that I don't want to sleep with men to figure out if I like them, I refuse to believe that love is dead and can't compromise, I will do my homework when I can and I'm awake and to hell with what everyone thinks in a coffee shop cos I'm alone and drowning in paper and books, I am not going to sit down and be yelled at by my boss cos he/she is simply having a bad day and I will do my best to spend time with friends, even if it means babysitting or enduring a long, winded conversation about motorcycles with their respective boyfriends or the latest Prada collection with their girlfriends, no matter how much you want to shoot yourself after. I am me. I don't have anyone else to love me and to change me just because circumstances tell me to. 

All in, baby! 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to read through some of my school stuff. :)

All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng, my leading provider of stock photos.
Thailand pictures taken with an Nokia N8 phone camera. 

The One with the Big 3-0!!!

I'm going to be honest. I have done a lot of things I am not particularly proud of.

Alright, sounds like a confession, right? It is quite true. I am not proud of eating like crazy on the weekend of my birthday.

We had lunch at our favorite Chinese place, Luk Foo. Yeah, we traveled to QC just to get to eat that authentic MSG-laden food that we so love and adore.

I am not proud of eating like crazy on the weekend of my birthday. 

Yang Chow Fried Rice for starters. 

Beef Tenderloin in Sweet and Sour Sauce - Heaven!

Lechon Kawali or Deep Fried Pork, yum!

I was pretty serious about losing the weight til I realized how much a wonder it is to eat food. More food pics coming up in honor of my 30th big bang, lolz! 

The One with the Bumpy Cab Ride

A lot of people don't know this about me but I can actually drive. I just never bothered lining up for a license and never bothered hard enough to get a car. I get by with riding cabs - hey less hassle with the parking and less issues with the bad traffic I have to deal with to get to work or to get home.

Traffic nightly from my place to Makati looks like this.Yes, even at 11PM at night! 

There are days when I'm thankful that I don't drive. When it's raining, for example and the roads are muddied, slippery and jammed with a bumper-to-bumper entourage of cars. Amazingly, just when it's raining and when it's crowded, that's when the mouth of hell opens and spews all the motorists in the world, throw into the mix the maze manipulating, passenger-hoarding jeepneys and you've got yourself a man-made disaster - the Manila traffic.

Not Manila, but close. And if this was Manila, this would be snake-like and not as orderly. 

What is confusing about the traffic is amidst all of this, a normal passenger is still able to manage his/her life throughout. Behind the long queue in train stations across the metro, the hundreds of people trying to steal your cab, the filled jeepneys and let's not forget the FX, the trikes and the other forms of transportation I have yet to ride, there are still people in their offices. Only when you're travelling during rush hour do you see how immensely and densely populated the city is. Isn't it a wonder how we all fit into this tiny city?

Crowded, crowded, crowded. 

So, here I am, soaking wet from the onslaught of monsoon rains, standing in a puddle of what appears to be water, motor oil and some other thick slushy liquid, do I chance upon this cab. I was desperate. I had to get to work because I, just like everyone else, have deadlines to meet (and miles to go before I sleep). I was lucky enough to get his attention (thanks to my ravishing red umbrella).

Everyone needs one. I am telling you! 

I struck up a conversation with the dude driving the cab. Profile: 40 yrs old or so (do you really want to know how I can figure this out?!), kids, wife, driving a cab for some time, can strike up a convo, isn't afraid to ask for more cash if the streets are flooded, safety-minded - meaning he cared whether I locked my doors or not. For some reason, we got into the fact that most passengers tend to be absent-minded and leave their valuables behind. This is where the conversation started getting testy.

Don't leave your cab without it. 

Apparently, the driver has experienced something bad when it comes to returning things. His passenger left her mobile on the cab and after a couple of hours, the phone was ringing. He picked it up. Naturally, the passenger asked for her phone back and he said he's a city away. Quezon City to be exact. The passenger was dropped off in Taguig. The passenger said to return it and she'll take care of the bill. Naturally, the cab driver assumed he'd get at least the running meter for the cab. Lo and behold, when he got to her, all she gave was a 50PhP bill. She was even mad that it took so long. From here on forward, he said, he's never going to return anything to anyone anymore.

Where the *ff are you?! 

Obviously, trying to reason with someone that has that mindset won't work. I tried questions and other means of making this guy realize that karma does exist and it bites you back tenfold and yet, I guess that harrowing experience taught him that doing good isn't always going to reward you.

Maybe all the dude wanted was a thumbs-up? 

I was honestly alarmed. It's kind of sad that people have lost all sense of goodwill towards others? It's not just the cab driver, it's the lady passenger who handed the driver a 50 and basically said "get lost". Then there's the driver who in his intentions got lost, thinking he needed a reward for the things he did. Isn't the reward of a good deed the act itself? I'm not going to launch into a litany of anachronistic phrases from the Bible, some gentleman's code from the 1800's or some old English poet, but when you think about it, doesn't it alarm you that people out there won't even give you the time of the day even if it's a good deed anyhow?

All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng, my leading provider of stock photos.

The One with the Gray Flannel Life

You're working a 9 to 5 job and you're haplessly scouring crowds for the next available cab. The influx of people can be likened to a tsunami - the wave of gray, blue and brown tops all around you drown out your white shirt. Rush hour traffic is pouring in and you just can't, for the life of you, understand why the hell the city is populated with so many people. You now wonder where the hell these people are coming from and just irritatingly think - where the heck do you guys work - only cos you don't remember having that much colleagues or people in your building. 

This is New York and this is kind of like how a Manila traffic cam looks like as you cruise along EDSA.

I work in Makati, the most densely-populated business hub/industrial zone/BPO central/nightlife and lifestyle domicile/residential city in the entire Metro Manila. If you've ever been here, there is no heck way you would want to live here. Maybe because of the proximity to work, but other than that, the traffic is infernal, the queue to any type of food service is eternal and the heat (thanks to the thousands of people taking the train with you, or ribbing you to get the next available cab) has no interval (I had to rhyme there...). 

GT Tower in Makati. Just a few blocks away from virtually any other building. 

Forget finding some common ground with the rest of the business populace. Every day is a rat race - it's a long-enduring marathon to the office, followed by a bike ride uphill and downhill to your boss' heart (and if you're fortunate enough to have multiple bosses to please, your bosses' hearts and sometimes, even liver and lungs - think alcohol and ciggies) and a long brisk walk to the end of the day, to which the endurance marathon begins again as you do the diurnal exodus to your respective city. 

Some people prefer the fastest way out from the business hub every day. I'd rather ride a cab than get ribbed, suffer microfractures on my back and shoulder bones and maybe an occasional bruise here and there. Why there was this one time that my shirt lost a button amidst the chaos in the train. 

A few months ago, I had the choice of trading my offbeat, colorful, chunky clothes for a gray flannel suit. I won't say where or how or why, but I was given the opportunity to join a leading financial institution. I did my part - filling out forms, long interviews, having time snatched away from you in a long and winding waiting room/lounge for applicants as you listen to their company anthem over and over and over and over and over (and over and over and over again until you want to slash your wrists off using the blunt side of your phone or maybe using the twine used to sew your purse). They offered a wonderful remuneration package... a car loan, a good salary, bonuses, other packages that other companies (BPOs to be exact) can't provide. The catch is working from 9 to 5 and maybe even beyond that. 

Obviously, I'm not this hot. She's wearing the gray flannel suit much better than me. 

I wasn't ready to give up my freedom. Call it my last hurrah or my child-like impulses or the need to have fun in my job, but it dawned on me that I wasn't ready nor wanting the gray flannel life. It was an associate manager position and their employees have stayed with them for years, some even counting decades of sheer dedicated and disciplined work. I was going to handle a team, and report to a director of sorts and yet my heart was sinking. I felt it in the pit of my stomach. I politely asked to think about it and decided against all rational and logical thought that I should reconsider my current position. 

Not that ready to be chained to hardcore corporate just yet...

I want a team that's dynamic, that's fervent and teeming with energy. I want work that changes as times change. I want marketing and communication and learning and training and passion - yes, passion in my work. Passion in the written word, passion in letting someone learn from you and learning something from someone. Engaging someone. Involving someone. Firing-up their senses and stabilizing culture and intent. Training is my passion and to be confined or boxed in a boundary was just too much for me. I foresaw myself having to ask for approval per protocol I was going to implement. I saw myself barking against a wall of corporate suits that won't listen to a word I say because their company has simply existed long before my parents were even born and will probably exist long after I'm gone. I guess that is what I'm against, corporate red-tape that would otherwise kill my mojo. 

Am I regretting my decision, that's why I'm writing about this experience? Not really. I realized I'm not a purist. I am not someone direly in need of a grown-up, mature job. I sincerely appreciate the hustle and bustle of a corporate jungle in the guise of a playground. 

All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng. 

The One with the Writer's Block and Biological Clocks

When I get home from a long day, the only thing I can think of is to rest and watch some TV. I rarely visit my blog now and provide my insights to the world. I can't imagine not being able to rest my head against a few of my fluffy pillows while I get one and hugs it to pieces!

Not the actual pillows I have on my bed but fluffy enough for me to dream about them. 

I would like to believe that this is because I have been pouring my heart out at work and because the stress overwhelms me. I don't think it's true though. I like my job - it's light, non-overwhelming, unemotional and somewhat rewarding. I do a lot of deskwork though, which means using words all the time and lately, I've been experiencing what people would call a writers' block.

Oh don't get me wrong, it's not like I've ran out of words in my head, it's just that I have ran out of the drive to place it in an HTML pad and place pretty pictures I downloaded off Stock Xchng. I even find myself not returning some emails from friends, which I am deeply, truly sorry about. I usually email one liners, like "I got it", or "Sure". I've lost the "You can do it, I believe in you" chutzpah I seem to exude so people SMS/Email/Private Message me every so often.

Yeah, even my BDJ hasn't been updated much. 

I could run through 10,000 things at once at one time in my life. The other day, my immediate manager sat me down and asked me about my WINs (Wants, Interests, Needs). It was probably the most difficult thing he ever did. I am guessing he has never come across anyone that doesn't really want anything. I feel burned out but I don't have a reason to be burned out. I like my job and if I can continue simply doing my job, without anyone bothering me, I would be pretty happy. Somewhat though, a part of me is craving something and I don't even know what it is. It could be activity, excitement, some weird form of drug maybe, I don't know, but I know for a fact that it contributes to me lessening my online presence and my thought process.

I have always liked activity with people I care about. Lately, I have been somewhat closer to moms - my friends Aileen and Cym, both of which are amazing and wonderful mothers. They believe in different things and yet, their kids turn out pretty okay. I feel my body doing weird, crazy things. I know for a fact that I will never be pregnant. Well, not now when I'm very single and I really don't have any intentions of sleeping around. There's something in me that wants a child. Half of me wants it, half of me doesn't. I feel like at this point, I have a lot of maternal energy and I don't know who to give it to. I know that sounds weird and probably crazy to a lot of people, but feelings, hormones, demons, they're all inside, pushing me to be a mom.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna be this hot when I become preggers, but we never know, right?

If men are allowed to have quarter-life and mid-life crises where they bang every girl they see and buy a Lexus, then I'm pretty sure, this is somewhat the female equivalent. A woman kind of needs a child - that's supposedly the essence of being a woman - to carry a  child to term and give life. I know no one sees me as that - I've been too acrid, sarcastic and even a terror to work with. Maybe, even to have a relationship with. But this time, I'm just desperately needing a child and it affects me as whole. Maybe even my supposed writer's block.

Whatever this is, it's something I feel. I'm glad I'm not experiencing any physical manifestations of it (I'm not experiencing pseudocyesis). Maybe a little bit of me has given up on finding love and finding that one amaizng family which I will someday belong to. One thing I know is that I feel like I'm losing time.

Not gonna happen, which sucks. 

And losing opportunities.

Rationally speaking of course, I am severely sure that it's an Anthropological aching for a child. Women, back in the Cave Men era, were homemakers, they were the ones taking care of the young. And this is evidenced in most biological ecosystems. I know women don't need an alpha-male to mate, they just need a mate. In a Physiological sense, I am kind of sick, the hormones can and will affect the way I see my life. In a Psychological sense, maybe I am just crazy.

Ultimately, if your clock starts ticking, will your block keep hindering?

All photographs were taken legally from Stock Xchng. 

The One with the Political Angst

I never thought I'd be one to post anything political but what the heck, some of my readers asked for it, so let's give it a go...

At the start of this year, we were shocked and horrified with the civil protests in Egypt. The people took to the streets, as then Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak was being accused of severe corruption. The Egyptian government's financial oversight body stated that the Mubarak, including his wife Suzanne, and his sons, Alaa and Gamal, have amassed billions of dollars' worth of properties, including luxury apartments and condominiums, palaces and even valuable farm land. This doesn't merely stretch along the Alexandria and Cairo, but traverses time zones - from the Red Sea luxury resort condos, to Beverly Hills Mansions, to properties in Paris, France. Apart from the extreme properties, the Mubarak family has acquired, over the years, companies which are worth millions of dollars. 

The Mubarak Family: (L-R) Alaa, Suzanne, Hosni and Gamal.
Picture Credit: Huffington Post 

To find out more about Hosni and the family, let's take a look at their history. Hosni took over the Egyptian government in 1981 when his predecessor, Anwar Sadat, was assassinated, following peace talks with Israel. Since the monarchy was overthrown, presidency was the next best thing and Hosni, in his first political address to his public in Cairo, promised "not to commit myself to what I can not implement, hide the truth from people, or be lenient with corruption and disorder...". 

(Far right) Hosni Mubarak in 1981. 

After assuming the post in 1981,supposedly, Hosni has rigged every election and has done everything in his power to push for elections every 6 years, but crushing political opponents and dissidents prior to the elections. 

Democratic rigging as demonstrated by Hosni in one of the allegedly rigged elections. 

During the 2005 Egyptian Presidential elections, no international observers were allowed in the Egyptian polls. 

Dr. Ayman Nour, a political opponent that tried to shed light on the widespread rigging of elections, was imprisoned  for forgery and was sentenced to 5 years of hard labor. 

January 25th, that fateful day, when people in Egypt bundled together to show their disgust and uprising against the corrupt and cheating Mubarak, was the day the world was introduced to a Muslim country fighting for its own rights. The massive outpouring of Egyptians in the streets of Cairo incited the world to take notice and for the world to become a spectator in a country desperate yet dedicated to reclaim its reputation and dignity as a nation. Following the uprising in Tunisia (which is a completely different story), Egypt's white and blue collar employees, students and random ordinary citizens pooled into the biggest uprising the Muslim country has ever seen. January 27th was the day that Egypt shut down the Internet - forcing people like Alyouka, the first Egyptian Twitter user to use the hash tag #Jan25 to alert others to protest. 

Social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook were repeatedly blocked in Egypt for some time, ensuring that no other countries will be aware of what is going on in the country.

Protesters in the streets, carrying flags, drums, anything to show their revolt. 

What does this tell us? It tells us that in extreme oppression, people revolt. When things become too unpalatable and undesirable, it becomes the tipping point. In extreme cases, people don't only revolt, they fight and civil unrest ensues. A government will face its downfall when people find their means and they will, because they won't stop until they overthrow someone whom they know is not going to be good or right for them. 

This happens rarely in everyday life. People in the Philippines are way too weak to even question corruption. We tend to shrug and say, '...meh, karma will get them'. In the face of billion-peso scams, worthless pork barrel implementations and dare I say, smear campaigns. We're very good communicators - we form opinions and share them in taxi cabs, usual inuman sa kanto sessions and friendly dinners. We even, in our families, talk about politics. 

Surely, I'm not the only one that thinks that LPG-ran vehicles isn't bad for the public's health. It's been chronicled that LPG emits hydrocarbons and carbon monoxide and the poor cab drivers that drive those heinous converted vehicles are not benefiting from paying less for gas if they're going to pay for lung surgery medications after! Thanks to the former first gentleman Mike Arroyo for that! For more, I'm not the lone proponent of the thought that politicians should worry more about the health and safety of children in the Philippines rather than get caught up in a sex video scandal featuring a well-known erstwhile plastic surgeon come singer/actor and an up and coming starlet (And yes, Senator Bong, the word is perversion - not pervertedness or something to that effect, and sir, not pointing fingers, but you dare say, in front of congress, that Hayden Kho doesn't have morality and doesn't respect other women? You, sir, have a wife and Lord knows, 11 kids?! And you have allegedly slept with all your female co-stars. Am I on glue here?!). Then there's the RH Bill - don't even get me started on that one. In a church, near my office, there's a tarp saying "Stop the RH Bill, It's not God's will". I don't think God's will is to have 100,000 bastards at the end of each month because people had to avoid contraception. Further to that, let's face it, people are having sex! They are! In fact, my bet is someone half my age is doing it right now, with some dude she met at a bar, or a drinking session or whatnot.This young lady, with a condom or the pills, will avoid conception by almost 96% (I'm a pharmacist, BTW, so these stats make sense to me...) which means she may not conceive at all! The probability of her being preggers by the end of the bump-n-grind session is almost 96% as well. Given the right ovulation period, hormonal triggers,etc - I'm not gonna bore you with that - the point is, this girl would have to stop a year of her education to give birth, then expecting her to do the right thing, we expect her to land a job, a good career so she can provide for the resulting child. How can she do that if she's not equipped to face that responsibility? I'm freakin' 30, I can't imagine having a child yet! So what more if I was 15 and I got preggers? I'm with the whole movement that children are our future and perhaps the Catholic church has a right to impose upon its people the avoidance of contraception, but even the government is weighing in on it. You can be Pro-Life or Pro-Choice, either way, it's not your life that's at stake, it's that child's. And about children - if DSWD's programs were half as good, we won't be seeing rugby-sniffers around the metro, we won't see children prostituting themselves to foreign and local customers and yes, fathers won't be abusing their daughters or their sons, for that matter. If the government was ran as successfully as it can be, how come we're poor as a nation? Why are we illiterate as a nation? Why are out people generally thought of as domestic helpers in other countries? We clean for a living and we can't even clean our own society. 

The separation of the church and state rarely happens in the Philippines because politicians are worried about the amount of support they'll get from church leaders, or lack thereof, should they oppose.

Sometimes, I envy Egypt, because they took their flag and ran with it. They were unapologetic and they understood that they can reclaim their nation - they can reclaim the morality and the dignity that is the seat of civilization. With us, ask anyone in the street about the most moving news story they heard the past few days and that would probably be a showbiz news! It sucks that we've bred a society that fosters lack of awareness, but what stings more is that we ourselves breathe the society that fosters apathy. Bet a peso that this person you ask in the streets won't even know much of the history of the Philippines, how ancestors fought for our freedom and how we should be thankful for it. How long does the culture of apathy run and will this generation's legacy be that? You and I will have to decide. 

All Egypt and Mubarak pictures were taken from the Huffington Post. 

No photographers were harmed during the making of this post. All other pictures were taken from Stock Xchng. 

The One with God and the Multi-level Manager

A couple of years back. I was a Training and Development Coordinator before, in Merlin. I used to handle several sites - Hungary, UK and the Philippines. Think that it's a Training and Development Manager post, except that the company calls it something else for purposes of taxation, semantics (cos they're Brit) and the whole thought of we're not a call centre hence we're not gonna call everyone a manager mindset. (Thanks to James for clearing that up!)

Apparently, I should have had a PDA. They just gave me a laptop and I had to lug it around for hours to get to the office! Hahaha! 

In Hungary, where there is an entire floor in a building dedicated to the company, there are so much more employees. Handling training for soft skills, communications and other specifics was simply harder to accomplish remotely and at the same time, it was just hard to follow-up.

In the UK, because it's corporate, it's easier. The personnel are great to get along with and they often just need some systems training, where one SME (subject matter expert) is already in the site and it's mere coordination that needs to be set in motion.

In the Philippines, it was a whole lot easier. Everyone can see you, everyone "respects" you to a certain extent and it's easier to reach out. People are commonly more agreeable cos they know you're working hard on something and your intention is to get everyone trained on a specific topic, even if it means taking an hour-long call from the NASA affiliate of the account you're handling (which means extending your shift until 5 in the morning even though it's agreed that you only work until 2AM).

Getting people to follow your training requires some weird talent - it involves food, some warm coffee and a lot of stand-up acts that you should have mastered by the time you're almost 30! 

Earlier today, I had dinner with a trusted friend. He sat down with me and told me how he abhors (notice how I skipped the use of the word hate cos it just doesn't give me the same intensity as "abhor") it when some "evangelists" tell you you're wrong and condemns you to turn you to their religion. He spoke of a time when he felt like he was being crucified for doing something wrong, as a former classmate of ours would come to his house and would try to get him to attend a church he belonged to. They stopped talking after my friend said "I'm not saying no to God, I'm saying no to you...". I guess the extremist church dude took the Bible verse "...do not yoke with unbelievers" seriously. 

Who could say no to that face? Maybe evangelists should utilize cherub-like  images before they "preach". They'd get better responses. 

I came to think about my own experiences in religion. I have had friends who would gently prod, others would guilt you into going to their churches, others would surprise you (as in you feel trapped, you're in someone's "party", and in the middle of the hip LL Cool J song, they whip out their Bibles and the pool is already prepped for your "baptism") and others would simply back-off when you say you're busy. Those whom I'm still friends with are those who showed genuine concern. Those who may have failed but still show their care, would pray for me, would accompany me on a bad day or simply go shopping and not quite talk about their faith. I've been approached by all types of religions - Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism and Christianity. All types of faiths, leading me to believe sometimes that I can just wait until some cult comes up to me and say "The Sunshine State of Mind is the way to go..." and I'd just finally give up and say "Sure, why not?!". I figured there are really those that force and condemn and criticize, without taking someone's side on anything. They judge and cast stones. If you've ever been approached by people who tell you that your faith is wrong, you're wrong or the way you live your life is wrong, then you know what I mean. They congregate as a group and collectively point their fingers at you, choosing to say "You're wrong", instead of "This is what's right in my eyes, or in God's eyes...". 

Judge me. I'm a sinner. 

In most cases, eager and overzealous evangelists become the judge,jury and executioner. I'm familiar with the drill. Corner someone and say he or she is wrong. He/she is a sinner. He/she is a bad person. Guess what, everyone is a sinner. Supposedly, according to the Bible, "everyone has sinned and fallen short of God's glory". There's no need to condemn anyone because "the wages of sin is death" and I will skip stating which part of the Bible it is. The main idea is God has always tried to reach out, to coordinate, to hold out His hands and try to get people to see His point of view. Preachers tend to point their fingers at you and say "You're the worst person on earth"... They follow up their church and what their doctrines are and it scares the heck out of you because you're not a judgmental person and you simply hope not to be judged by anyone. 

I read it once. Not enough to quote it like a lawyer but hey, enough to know God loves me. 

They always say that God is a jealous, spiteful, avenging God. He is a God that punishes and whatever bad thing that happens to you is your punishment. Flu? You didn't read the Bible yesterday! Leprosy? That's cos you cheated off your 2nd-grade classmate back then. AIDS? Homosexual abomination! You deserve that! Famine and strife? Your country is heathen and hedonistic and you've displeased God! I sincerely don't doubt that there are people out there who tend to cast stones because of self-righteousness. Guess what, it makes sense to me. Scare someone sh*tless and you tend to make them want to seek out the one thing that would hold them together. But isn't this a cult tactic? Isn't this what the Manson Family (Charles, not Marilyn) did? Isn't this what the late great cultist Jim Jones did in Jonestown, Guyana? Fear - fear of failing, fear of humiliation, fear of rejection - aren't those their tools? These men - great minds, amazing followship (and I don't call it fellowship because it might offend some people) was because they were bullies. They coerce people to follow, coerce people to belong and thus, people tend to. They make a stand, and they force people into accepting their words as gospel truth because they have a congregation that says "amen" to what they say, because they have a group that can "excommunicate" you when you choose not to follow and they have the machinery of God's word - thousands of Bible verses to prove to you, to the congregation and the rest of the world that YOU ARE WRONG! 

Still a cute girl. Seriously,preachers, get a little girl to do this... 

Guess what, no one wants to hear they're wrong. 

I was asked by my trusted friend what I think God is like. He laughed when I said "God is like a really good omnipresent and omniscient multi-level manager in a corporation" (Sounds like something I'd say, right? Blasphemous and challenging.). He is an excellent manager of people and a manager of systems. When God needs something communicated, He tends to look into a person's psyche first. Figures out what works best then goes with it and runs with it. Different strokes for different folks. I think God figured out a long time ago that bullying doesn't work (Those Inquisitions never did Christianity any good, did it?) and tolerance, instead of condemnation, is key. God doesn't sit down and tell other people in the department to give sanctions to people for mere omissions or commissions (Christian term which means omitted acts - like reading the Bible, praying, paying your tithes, etc and committed acts - lying, cheating, coveting someone's wife, etc), rather He weighs his options. He has a Performance Appraisal for everyone and knows what each one did to merit an Exceeds Expectations rating, or Fully Successful or even Needs Improvement. He listens in on calls, knows your metrics, bases your performance on that rather than something subjective like how well you participate in meetings or how friendly you were to the staff. God works in mysterious ways too, He doesn't need a major breakthrough so He'd give you a kudos, He knows what you did and He will pat your back when you deserve it. God also sits you down and tells you you've been late for a couple of times, and what the hell is wrong with you or tells you your metrics have dipped, and works with you on how you can make it easier to target those metrics. God isn't a micro-manager. He tells you what He wants done and sets your expectations clearly and tries to get out of your way so you can work your mojo. Ultimately, God knows how to communicate to you. There's no need for flaming swords or the vision of Eden or tears of blood and gold to show you how much He cares. At the end of the day, God is an excellent multi-level manager. 

God has a freakishly large calendar to pencil in talking to his people!

Managing sites, getting people's buy in, finding common things to talk about, not bullying anyone... If I was as good as God (please don't consider this blasphemy, you can dream right?), I would have done that. I would have lessened the administrative tasks and I would have given my all to talk to people and make them want the training, make them want to learn, push them to make the best decisions of their careers and not coerce them into making decisions based on fear or bullying tactics.If you're going to minister to me, trust me. I'm going to need you to talk to me the way most managers do, with patience, tolerance and finally, with understanding. There's no need for an Inquisition when you're not ready for a war. 

No photographers were harmed intellectually during the making of this post. All pictures were taken from Stock Xchng.